Sunday, November 30, 2008

Yearning to live without regret

So, it's obvious by the date on the 1st post here on my blog that I never went anywhere with this thing. Everyday I see it in my list of favorites and it gently calls me to come write, but for months i squelched that whisper with busy-ness! I just plain decided that I had better things to do. Some days that was true - being a mom requires a lot of time and attention... but lots of other days i just simply pretended I didn't see the link or feel that inner nudge to get crackin' on the keyboard and write something.

For me, writing is a very freeing thing. I often feel like so much creativity is bottled up inside of me and that in my day to day life, it all to often gets smashed down and is nearly unrecognizable under the duties of dishes, diapers, housework, and being a mommy and wife. My imagination loves to run wild and often i feel like i have SO many things going on in my mind, that i can't get any ONE thing down in it's entirety - especially before some need surely needs answering.

My prayer is that I will be more consistent in coming here. I'd like to post and share about what I'm learning, what i'm struggling with, what i'm having victory in, what God's opening my eyes to, etc. I'd love some friends in the journey. I'd love to know i'm not alone in my craziness too!

I think it's a great accountability tool too. For me to come and write. To get my thoughts down and to give me time to process. I think more clearly with my fingers than with my mouth sometimes. And often I can say more pointed and direct and consise thoughts when writing. Not that I won't be long winded. I'll never promise to be short and to the point!

So, off we go on my first THOUGHT for this last day in November! (We won't even talk about how fast this year has flown by!)

I am yearning to live w/o regret! Yearning as in, WANTING and desiring and KNOWING I've not come anywhere near achieveing it! I think, every day I get part way through my day and i just wish i could have a "do-over". You know, rewind back to before you yelled, or before you had the sarcastic remark to your husband, or before you had that negative thought about a family member or friend, or before you realize your husband is walking in the door and your house is a mess and dinner's not started. Yup, those days.

I want to be purposeful. Hmm.. that could be a whole 'nother post... ha! By that, I want to say and do things that have meaning. That hold water. That have lasting affects. I want to love deeper and purer and stronger. I want to see the good in people where my first instinct might be to see their flaws. I want to be hands and feet that carry the hurting and bear up the weight of those who are exhausted. But here's where things start to go haywire in my mind... Honestly, i'm gonna be real, cuz what do I have to lose, really?! Nothing! I am convinced that so many of you have to be like me! Lie to me if you're not! HAHA!

I get so overwhelmed some days with all the GOOD things I want to do, that I sit back and do NOTHING. Yup, i admit it. I "THINK" of countless things to do to reach out, to love on, to encourage and then i get sidetracked by life and I forget. Then satan creeps in with his creepy lil whisper and says, "it's too late now..." or " you blew that chance..." or "you're not really the kind of person you want to be".... and i let opportunities slip by. I can only pray that someone else answers and responds to the gentle whisper and that the needs I COULD have met, will be met by another when i don't follow through in obedience. Forgive me Lord.

On a day to day kind of basis, I live with regrets in my mothering. Oh God, how i want be the mother that you've created me to be. Lately, i've found myself saying things to my children and immediately i cringe. I'll say something to them, and it's instantaneous that the Holy Spirit isn't using exactly what i said to them to convict me of an area of sin in my own life. Interesting how he works that way, huh? You often just wanna eat your own foot after you spew out some sort of sarcastic remark or hasty remark. It's not coincidence and it's not some random thought, i'm convinced it is the Spirit inside of me... God's voice to my heart... urging me to make things right and to turn from my sinful attitude.

One thing I am convinced of, and i KNOW to be true - is this. God is good. And He is faithful. He is ever full of love and compassion and what i NEED to do is being calling on HIS love daily. I can't show my kids true unconditional love, and consistent patient love, until i've recieved it from Christ. I can't shower my kids with grace and mercy until I embrace those things from Him. I hold on to my frustration. I hold on to my flaws. I hold on to the things that i feel lacking from my life and soon i bring pain to HIS heart. I start to look down upon his creation (ME!!) and I start to question his plan, b/c it sure doesn't look like beauty to me... and i'm surely mucking it up royally. And then, ever so quietly.... i hear it..."can't you just stop? can't you just listen? can't you hear me? ............ let it go, daughter... let it go.... you are mine... my delight and joy... let it go... draw near to me... give it to me... i am here... waiting....".

WHY is it so hard to surrender; when once i'm there it feels like the safest place to be? I want to stand in surrender. I want to live in surrender. I want to grow as my heart rests surrendered. Wow, what a concept. A restful heart ... fully in surrender to HIS plan.

Romans 12 hit me yesterday as i was reading. I am reading out of the Message right now. i love the fresh perspective and style as it brings to live passages that I've read for many many years.
I can't even call it ironic either, that, that was the passage I would read. God knew what I needed to hear.... read on for some verses...

Romans 12:1-2 (italics thoughts are mine)
So here's what i want you to do, God helping you: (first off, how often do we here commands in the Bible and then get all freaked out b/c we say to ourselves, there's NO way *I* can do that... why do we forget we've got God in our corner?!) Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering. (Ok, that's convicting! ).......

Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it (Uh, were you reading the above paragraphs where i admitted i don't do this very well!)

Vs. 9 - Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. (i think this is definately where "with God's help" comes in. It isn't easy to love everyone. It's EASY to fake loving someone sometimes, don't you think? Especially if they aren't someone in your life a lot? It's easy to not invest, to make nice, and to PRETEND to love them. Here's where I want the LORD to fill me to overflowing.. so that i can truly see those around me with HIS eyes.. so my heart can be broken I can see them with HIS heart!)

VS. 10 Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times, pray all the harder..... (Love deeply, take chances, be vulnerable, allow others to see your heart, don't allow yourself to be self absorbed, allow others to shine, encourage them to shine, bask in THEIR radiance as they reflect HIS light, stay faithful to the calling of the Lord, see HIM to fill your soul and be your source of JOY. And be ever vigilant to hear his voice, to answer with speed to what the Holy Spirit promts to you do or say.... Hard times will come. Hold fast to the promises that God has given to us... pray and remain in Him... so that He can fill every crevice of my being... after all, the "SAME GOD WHO CONQUERED THE GRAVE LIVES IN ME!" What a powerful TRUE statement. Hillsong has a song out with those words in their lyrics and it is such a beautiful reminder to me....

SO, in that lengthy ramble what sticks out to me most are that i want to live a live w/o regrets and i yearn to be purposeful and listen to the Lord's voice and answer the Holy Spirit's prodding, QUICKLY! After all, what do we teach our kids? "SLOW obediece is .... DISOBEDIENCE". Ouch, huh?

I'd love some feedback. Hit me with your thoughts!