At arms length

The last few days have been rougher in the mommy department. Honestly, things have probably been rougher in the communication department with my husband as well. And come to think of it, my connection with God sort of hit a busy signal (on MY end, NOT His!).

The common denominator?

ME.

Hmmm... when life starts getting overwhelmed and relationships start to feel strained and things just aren't running as smoothly as normal or expected, we often start the blame game right? Pass the buck off to somebody else who dropped the ball, or blame our choices/actions/reactions to circumstances. If so'n'so hadn't done "____" then I wouldn't have been so defensive, or angry, or combative, or short tempered. I wonder if God ever watches me and wonders, "Will she ever get it?!"

So, when I get in this funk - I'm not sure what else to call it but that. It's a season of "offness" where nothing seems "right". It's not always a long period of time - though some times last longer than others. Anyway, when I'm in this funk, I often have LITTLE patience and generally want to be left alone. I don't want things to be asked of me, I don't want to be criticized (hey, who does?!), or reminded of what I'm lacking. I don't want to be touched, malled, hugged, or called ("mommy, moomy, moooom, mom, mama.....") a hundred times.

This week my 20 month old was fussing and came to my leg while I was in the kitchen. The grabbing at my pant leg, the moanful wails started, and his intention were fully expressed. He wanted up and he wanted UP right away. I think I sort of shook my leg - as if he was a dog at my feet that i could shoo away and rather sternly said, "No Joey!". Which insued MORE tears, more wails and only intensified grabbing and mauling of my leg. I could feel the frustration building up in me. "I just want to be left alone!" was all I could think.

And then I heard it inside...soft...but firm in it's intent, "Do I hold you at arms length?"

WOAH?!

"Lord, c'mon. You know you have more patience than me. You can handle me when I come to you. I'm human. I can get irritated."

"Excuses then are your fallback?"

It was painful. I was holding my son at arms length. I wasn't letting him in. I was dismissing him, too deep in my own pit of wallowment (my new word of the day! HA!) I was choosing to be cold and to react in a way that hurt my son. Ouch.

I got a glimpse, once again of God's amazing LOVE. It continues to surprise me how God is showing himself to me as I walk through the journey of motherhood. He never hold his heart back from me. What a promise of safety and security.

Recently I've come across a newer artist and I've been listening to her album on the web. Her name is Francesca Battistelli and I think she's awesome. If you go to her website http://www.francescamusic.com/ you can llisten to her WHOLE album!! It's full of great songs... but one that I find running through my head (and i'm sure it's NOT coincidence!) is "It's Your Life".

"It's Your Life" Lyrics
by Francesca Battistelli | from the album My Paper Heart

This is the moment
It’s on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

(Chorus)
It’s your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It’s an open door
It’s your life

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

(Chorus)

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way
(Chorus)

What a reminder to me... the world is watching, yes... but even MORE so, God is watching. And not because He's out to get me, but because he LOVES me and cares about the choices I make. And even more, He's patiently waiting for me to invite Him in and help ME in making decisions that honor HIM and His name.

What's God whispering to you these days?? Got something to share? I'd love to hear from you!!!