Are you squinting at the screen?

Maybe you need a trip to the eye dr.... or could it be that you aren't quite awake yet? Or perhaps it's the thick layer of dust or the half hazard cobwebs that are crossing the website as it's been left to sit for MONTHS!

I welcome you to grab a paper towel and wipe the grime off... or if you dare blow really hard and watch the particles fly off and the spiders scurry to a new corner!!!

Ok... a friend and I have taken on a new book to read. The book is called Sacred Marriage and it's written by Gary Thomas. I just picked up the book this weekend and have read the first chapter. I'm already feeling challenged. I can tell it's going to be different than all the other marriage books - even the best ones I've read - which give you step by step how to's at how to achieve that ever allusive "perfect" marriage. The reason I'm challenged is because I rather like the step 1-6 process with guaranteed results. I like order. I like sequential systems. Perhaps it's why sometimes reading books like that left me feeling more empty, more hopeless, feeling more and more inadequate to change ME or "change my husband". After all, isn't that what we're usually after? Surely the Lord has more work to do in his heart and life than in mine.... cough cough.... sigh. If only, right? :)

This will NOT be that kind of book. It's going to be all about ME and God and working on ME.

"Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters. Mature love, the kind demanded of a good marriage must stretch, as the sinful human condition is such that all of us bear conflicting emotions.... her hatred is as real as her love is real... the reality of the human heart, the inevitability of two sinful people pledging to live together, with all their faults, for the rest of their lives...." (Sacred Marriage, pg 16-17).

The chapter goes on to talk about how we often find ourselves looking to our spouse with too many expectations. With too many ideas of how the other should and will meet our needs. And the entire point of the book is to challenge us with the question: What if God created marriage, not for our happiness, but as a means of making us more holy. What if we saw and took the opportunity in marriage as our spouse fails us (as he/she WILL do) to draw us closer to the heart of Christ and in turn our lives would reflect his likeness. Isn't that our true purpose here on this earth? Gary Thomas says, "I adopted the attitude that marriage is one of many life situations that help me to draw my sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment FROM God." (Sacred Marriage, pg. 24).

The chapter closes with the following thought. "The ultimate purpose of this book is not to make you love your spouse more - although I think that will happen along the way. It's to equip you to love your God more and to help you reflect the character of his Son more precisely."

Care to journey along? I will do my best to be candid as I write my thoughts and allow God to prune my heart... to clip away the branches that are intertwined and choking out new growth.

Ingrained

So I had to chuckle yesterday as I was checking the boys room. They had been told to do some clean up and I was peeking in to see how they did. I glanced over by the boys clothes drawers and Micah's was hanging open. Inside his underwear and jammie drawer were what he would obviously consider his most prized possessions! I saw his lightsaber, new pop gun, a few stickers from his ER visit, and a few other trinkets amongst his clothes (NO WONDER the clothes never seem to fit in the drawer properly!).

In a family it's evident that some property is communal and some has a rightful owner. The older the kids get the more they desire that sense of ownership and they are becoming more territorial. Somehow, Micah knew that the best place to hide his treasures was in his underwear drawer! I mean, how funny is that?! Isn't that where we all have a little something hidden? What woman doesn't have some jewelry, cash, trinket, love letter, or something else of significance tucked away for safe keeping? And how many of us make that place our dresser drawers?!

While I initially chuckled, God also gave me a glimpse into how we so often hold the things dear to us, CLOSE. We get possessive and protective over what we consider OURS. Whether that is our money, our time, something tangible, our talents, our families, sports, habits, secrets, insecurities, pain, or even what we give in ministry. We're born with this inate sense that says "if you don't protect yourself or your things they will be destroyed". It can also, too often, hold us back from doing for God what he planned for you and I. If we hide the things God has blessesd us with, how can it benefit His kingdom? How can it encourage someone else?

Micah doesn't have any fun with his lightsaber while it's sitting next to his dinasour underwear. He has the most fun when his brothers grab their lightsabers and they can dual, chase, run, and play together. When we (you and I) choose to allow our gifts/time/money/abilities/talents to be used for God we acknowledge that we have to put it out there. There's an element of trust there that says, "Okay, Lord... here I go and I'm trusting you to use this". And the Lord never fails to amaze me! When we get to come together and move toward a common goal together, each of us giving different things to achieve that goal, God works all the details out!

How's your drawer? Are you holding on to all the things you consider dear? Tucking them away for "another day" or not allowing someone to see your strengths or weaknesses? Are you holding back something that God could use for His glory? ASK him.

I gotta admit...

I've got a heavy heart this morning. You know that feeling when something lingers in your mind? The way you feel a bit sick to your stomach - almost like those nervous butterflies, except there isn't any way to know when they'll go away since there isn't any ONE event to get through to make them go away. Ick.

It's making writing more difficult to say the least. But in my ever pushing desire to be "real" here in webland - I decided it's okay to not look "together"! ha ha If you knew me in real life you'd already know that I'm not - so this is for all my cyber friends! :)

Here's something I've been chewing on the last few days. A good friend asked a group of us what the word "repent" meant. Naturally, initially my mind when flying to what I think most of us would think - saying sorry, feeling contrite, telling Jesus you'll never do "X" again - giving up something, "turning away from", etc. And while none of those are exactly wrong they weren't summing up and encompassing the word's "purpose"/meaning.

Come to find out repent has a strong tie to the word "agenda"! Trust me, it does make sense!! I googled it this morning and here's what I got from wikipedia.

"In Biblical Hebrew, the idea of repentance is represented by two verbs: שוב shuv (to return) and נחם nicham (to feel sorrow). In the New Testament, the word translated as 'repentance' is the Greek word μετάνοια (metanoia), "after/behind one's mind", which is a compound word of the preposition 'meta' (after, with), and the verb 'noeo' (to perceive, to think, the result of perceiving or observing). In this compound word the preposition combines the two meanings of time and change, which may be denoted by 'after' and 'different'; so that the whole compound means: 'to think differently after'. Metanoia is therefore primarily an after-thought, different from the former thought; a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness"."

WOAH! You mean in the process of repenting it actually means I take after or change my thoughts/direction/whathaveyou?! Who knew that the word repent had slightly different (and yet profoundly different impacts) meanings b/w the OT and the NT?! Assuming some of my readers HAVE to be smarter than me I'll give a few of the benefit of the doubt... but I'm guessing (And hoping) that some of you were like myself and didn't know!

So, lets talk about it. We're all guilty of having a natural bent to what our own flesh wants. It's that sin nature that we're literally born with! When we wake up in the morning we think about our day - about our schedule - about how we want to accomplish what WE need done for the day. We even call it our "agenda"... our schedule or our plans. It's often driving, full of details that some days leave wiggle room and other days leave little breathing room.

Besides the "physical" agenda we talk about - there's can be an "agenda" that is in our hearts. What motivates me? What gives me direction and who's direction is it? Where do I find validation? Who am I seeing validation from? Who am I hoping to please? Is it self seeking? If it self serving? Will it benefit ME or push me ahead? Is it to climb a ladder or gain power? Is it because something makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps I'm happy with things and want to maintain and stay safe? Play the same song and dance to just keep things even keel. Maybe my agenda is to be seen; to be noticed; to gain recognition....or perhaps it's to remain invisible... to hide behind someone or something.... agenda's can be as varied as you and I are different.

The thing about agenda's is that they can be difficult to decipher. We can hold them tight - close to ourselves - and choose who we share them with.... and yet tell tale signs I think pop up along the way - giving away our agenda... dropping hints and small glimpses.

Our agendas CAN get given away by our actions and words! It's rather like the act of "bearing fruit" that the Bible talks about. A life centered in Christ and seeking HIS HOLY agenda is going to have "results" (bear fruit) and a domino affect. Our actions and words DO impact others - what we do and say IS important.

And I'll say it with lots of honesty - I'm in a re-evaluating mode in re: to my agenda. I'm doing my best to ask myself some hard questions. It can be painful...and who likes pain?! No one I know.

What I want to do is wake up - and instead of instantly thinking of my "to-do's" for the day think to what God would like my "to-do's" to look like that day. I want to ask him to direct my heart and my thoughts to the way his heart beats and they way his thoughts flow. Is there someone I need to call to encourage? Is there someone He wants me to befriend? Am I being the mom that blesses HIS name? Do my children get a picture of Jesus when they see me throughout the day? Am I eager to love on them and be with them - encouraging them to come to me - or do I shrug them aside when I'm tired or in the middle of something (like this post for example).

I'm asking that you join me in prayer. That I would see HIS agenda and that I would let go of mine - as ever changing and fluxing as it is.

This post seems rather flailing to me - must be the random thoughts bouncing around in my head...

How's your water pressure?

It is hot today! So of course the kiddie pool came out and was filled for the kids. I watered desperately thirsty plants and flowers and then started to play around with the hose. Fanning it around the yard, squirting the kids, making arches of water for them to run under and through. I started seeing big fat droplets of water and small tiny droplets of water falling at the same rate and impacting the grass, ground, or bodies that didn't manage to dodge the droplets. It was beautiful. It got me to thinking...



I know it might seem like a huge stretch...but go along with me for the ride anyway, ok?

I envisioned my life as a water hose. Unhooked to the water source (Christ of course) I'm but an empty vessel without a function. Sure I have a purpose - but unattached to the water I'm ineffective. Hooked to the water source gives purpose and meaning to my hosey-ness (NEW word! ding ding ding!). I all the sudden have something to give. Something to share. Some way to give to those without water. As my heart and will becomes closer to Christs the water pressure increases and I have more to give. The more Christ fills me - the more bursts forth from me.

Uncontainable joy and the ability to stretch and reach far from my boundaries! What a glorious feeling!

Then I was reminded of the problem with hoses! We drag them around with us, they wind up around objects or even themselves and the water pressure becomes less and less. Sometimes the water flow is cut off completely and we're no longer able to be vessels that produce beauty or passion or purpose. Sometimes it's just one lil kink in the line and soon we're back in the flow. Sometimes it requires back tracking, untangling the path we took ourselves down, and making a NEW and more direct path with our hose - so as to open up God's blessings so that He can refill us to brimming.. and one again we can pour out His love and joy, kindness and goodness.

Sin in our lives can kink our hose. It can stop of the flow of Christ through us to the world. We can become so cut off that sometimes we don't even feel his presense in our life.... but just like a hose - once we remove the kink or tangle - His love is there ready to burst forth. That love has just been waiting....the pressure building and eager to be released... gushing, rambunctious, and a driven love... Yup, he loves you that much. So much that he will simply wait for you.... as long as it takes.

Checking in with everybody!

So, how is everyone tonight? It's night here - though likely it'll not be night for you when you read this... regardless... it isn't important! HOW ARE YOU? I like to think that we are having a dialogue somehow - even though it tends to be quite one sided... I do imagine you nodding your head, laughing, or even tearing up as I share about stuff... or challenge you with stuff... or just as God leads your heart to become sensitive. If ever, at any time in my blogging journey, God uses me to bring you closer to Him... what an honor and privilege that would be. All glory to Him!

So, I've asked how you are... and I imagine you saying, "And you? How are YOU tonight?!"

Oh thanks for asking! (I promise I only hear a "few" voices in my head.. most days! HA HA)

big breath.

Actually... to be honest... it changes from day to day. I know that's normal, so that's why I feel it safe to be honest here. I know many of you are overwhelmed with motherhood and life and marriage and your journey with Christ. And pile on that, the guilt that we can have when we "feel" we shouldn't be overwhelmed with those sorts of things!

Church blessed me today. The worship got into my heart and just resonated and echoed and literally sent me to my knees in worship! It's great when you sit in the front row b/c you have lots of room to just kneel in sweet adoration! Can you imagine kneeling in a pew row! I'd surely smack my forehead on the pew infront of me and surely be stuck there! Ack! What a sweetness to feel the freedom to worship in a style that isn't common at our church and to be blessed without feelings of embarrassment! In all reality, I think few people even realized I was on my knees... which isn't the point anyway! I digress. I even stuck around for the next service and worshipped a 2nd time to the music - this time on my feet tho ;) It makes no difference to my Jesus and I love that. Just like my worship when I'm in despair and my worship when I'm filled with JOY - both mean the world to him. And in all reality the posture of my body is far less important than the posture of my heart. For some, the body posture in worship can get in the way of true heart worship. For others, body posture can sometimes lead their hearts into submission.... don'tcha love how we're all different?! At the heart of it all though.. we're simply called to worship. Love that.

I came home from church feeling still in my heart. After lunch the kids watched a movie and I read from my newest book, "They like Jeus but not the church" by Dan Kimball. What a great book! I'm only on page 80 so far... but God is using his words to challenge me!! I'm excited to read more this evening and more tomorrow!!! As I keep goin, perhaps I'll share some thoughts with you...

House Cleaning

So, today I've been working in the master bedroom. If your room looks like mine it gets the left over random stuff tossed in on the bed or dresser, while the door gets quickly shut. It gives the perfect impression that the living room is clean; therefore the house is clean. WRONG! HA!

A random old TV is coming out today. A couple random computer boxes of misc. parts and pieces are coming out. A few loads of laundry are coming out (and of course going back in.. clean and folded..ironed...? nah! lets not get TOO crazy!).

IN, went a small bookshelf - to hold the books that have been in a big ole tote. As I took them out I decided it was necessary to purge out some titles. Not because they were bad books.... but because it was time to simplify, and not hold on to books with the "hope" that i'd finish them. Or allow the guilt of "I should be reading 'that' one again" to drive to pick up the book - only to remember why it didn't hold my interest the first time! (wink!) SOOOOOO..... I pulled off about 8 books that I just don't "need" anymore! What a liberating feeling! I'm often full of "someday, i'll use that" or "someday i'll read it", and "someday that will change my life!"... Almost as if I'm in bondage to that book shelf. NO MORE! :) A select few went back up...besides being less to visually look at, it feels "lighter" to my spirit too.

I've not only been doing physical inventory in my home...but working to do it in my heart as well. That's far more painful that chucking a few books out. And yet, in the end the feeling is the same... a lightness to my spirit that confirms that God and I are doing well.

How about you? Are there things in your life that you tell yourself are "good" and yet you feel tied to them by obligation or because it just seems like what you're supposed to do? Or maybe there are poor habits in your life ... or choices that aren't going to lead where God wants to take you... would you be ready to look "that" in the eye and chuck it?

God... I'm weary

Ever had those moments? Ok, who am I kidding? Ever had those days/weeks/months?! You'll find yourself not only closing the door to the bathroom off your master bedroom, but also the door to your room as well! As if, 2 closed doors between you and the world that is your life, will make it somehow more manageable for you to breathe......deeply....slowly....purposefully... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.....

It's kinda been where I've been hiding the last month. Between all the roles that we as women (humans) pile on ourselves I have had moments of complete flailing. Trust me, it hasn't been pretty nor attractive.

In an effort to sort through things God has been taking me on a journey. We're far from kicking off our sandles and calling it a wrap - which trust me, is a comfort because I'm not ready to stay "here" forever!

So, bear with me, if you would... while God and I talk and work through some things. It might look messy. It might not look like your life at all - or you might just wonder how I knew so much about you.

Truth is.. we're all on a journey. I'd welcome it if you'd walk with me.