Determined

Wow, what a week it has been! It's been a week of challenge but also a week where I really feel that I've done some growing. You'll be happy to know that i tweaked the "i'm good" response at church today, to the friends that asked how I was doing. Some got more information than others; but I THINK I only said, "i'm good" to about 3 people instead of 10!! :) I'm good generally came out - and then I quickly followed it with some tidbit. Obviously, depending on how well I knew the person depended on the kind of info i blurted out... BUT... it felt good to not feel that I was hiding or putting on a face for the crowd. So, should you ask me how i am.. and i reply with a "i'm good", make eye contact with me and ask, "how good?" (wink!) don't let me get off with that kind of answer!

Today was the kids program at church - 3 of my 4 got to sing in our 3 services. What a kick! They did great and were completely enamoured with the idea of being on "mommy's stage". they are used to seeing me singing on stage Sunday mornings when they get to church with daddy. Carissa talked about getting to sing on "mommy's stage" for weeks! She was adorable today up there... "C'mon ring those bells... light the Christmas tree...." Sweet sweet sweet.

Micah proceeded to be all that a boy COULD be... yawned, turned around, tried to sit down, pointed at himself on the projector screen, and even picked his nose and ate it... yes, what a proud moment that was. I even got a picture on a girlfriends camera of the finger in the mouth. Hey, if it keeps the girls away when he's 16 years old... it'll be well worth it! HAHA!

After we got home we sat down to eat lunch. From time to time, instead of praying for the meal, we'll say "Lets be thankful!". This means we go around the table and say what we're thankful for and then we start eating. Carissa wanted to go first; "I'm thankful for the beautiful day we have today (mind you she says this EVERY time but i never tire of it!), and for getting to sing songs to Jesus on stage today." Awww..... :)

I'm determined to make the little moments count this holiday season. Holidays are often a mixed bag for me. Internally I create a grand set of moments... and then it often feels anti-climactic.... I get these ideas and never follow through, etc. I'm determined to start traditions with OUR family. Before we had kids - and even when we first started having kids, it felt like we were still trying to fit in to everyone else's idea of what Christmas should be. This year, it's about our family and our plans.

I'm determined to keep my focus on the birth of Jesus. While it's beautiful to give and receive at Christmas; I want to be ever vigilent to keep my children thinking of WHY we celebrate. It's so easy for them to see Christmas as a time to GET GET GET and WANT WANT WANT.

In light of that, we've scaled the buying back. Not that we were EVER extravagant; but mentally I think always felt like what i had to give my kids wasn't "enuf"... this year, my attitude is different and it is such a peaceful feeling.

In honor of Christmas here are a few questions for ya. PLEASE leave an answer in the comments! I'd love to hear your answers!

What is your.....
-favorite Christmas Carol
-favorite Christmas food
-favorite Christmas tradition
-most special memory from childhood

and HOW do you keep Christ the center of Christmas.. for you or/and your children!?

Easier said than done

It's time to get honest. My heart and flesh are conflicted. Remember how I said the other day, that I figured I'd be in for a few rough days at home? That, in my efforts to honor the Lord, that there'd be "opportunities" for me to practice and such? Yah well. There have been plenty and I have failed quite miserably. While it'd be easy to keep posting and act like I'm dealing with my "season" in a spiritual manner... it'd be nothing but a smoke screen and my conscious can't handle that (Thank You Holy Spirit!).

So, my heart is so passionate about loving Jesus. That passion is literally growing every day! I'm eager to read the Word, I'm eager to be reflective and silent in His presence... I am more and more eager to talk to Him daily. This is exciting for me as for a while I felt like I was in a bit of a desert. It didn't seem like a LOT was soaking in. When it did, it seemed temporary and I felt parched soon after. God is faithful and He never walked away, never stopped loving me, and for whatever reason, His voice is close to my heart again and I am ever so thankful.

BUT, my flesh.... oh, my sinful flesh...

I struggle with anger. There I said it.

Lots of you who know me "in real life" MIGHT be surprised by that. When you see me I'm happy, funny, telling stories on my kids, laughing at life... But behind the closed doors of my house (or my CAR! why DO they act like maniacs in the car?!), I admit that a different woman sometimes comes out. It's nothing I am proud of. This morning, in tears I apologized to my oldest son. It seems that he and I are a lot alike in temperment. He's emotional, dramatic, quick to frustration, sensitive, and easily hurt.

His heart is huge (he gets that from me too!!!) and he loves people, he's creative and energetic (that MUST be from his daddy!), and SOOOO smart! I am proud of him, SO proud of him..... and yet.... the two of us can butt heads on a bad day that make me fear for the days he's a teenager!

As he and I were engaged in a battle of words today, inwardly I was telling myself to just STOP talking! The ridiculousness of the conversation was comedic and sad at the same time. Here I was engaged in a conversation with my 6 (almost 7) year old son that was going no where. It was one of the talks that no matter what I said, he'd find a way to dramatize it; which would further irritate me, I'd scold him for over reacting or making assumptions that were NOT even brought up; which would then send him into tears and he'd start spouting off how naughty he was, and how stupid he was and how he'll never get to do anything fun anymore, and he'll never play the Wii again, and mommy doesn't love him......... blah blah blah... it could go on for minutes if i let it. At this point, I should walk away... well, actually, i SHOULD have walked away LONG before this! By now, i'm furious. I'm demanding he LOOK at me, telling him to "knock it off", speaking to him in tones that I'd never speak to a friend in.

And then this comes out of my mouth, "Would you talk to your teacher this way? Would you talk to your friends at school this way!? Do you ever show them this amount of anger or disrespect?"

"No," he says.

I reply to him, "Then you do NOT act that way at home. You will not speak to me or your dad or your brothers and sister that way! You will treat us with the same respect and love you treat other adults at school and your friends there. Your friends will come and go but your family is FOREVER! Do you hear me?!"

"Hhmmm... do YOU hear me, child?" whispers the Spirit. "DO you talk to your friends like you speak to your family? Do you raise your voice, use sarcasm, or get angry over little things? Do you show your true colors infront of strangers? Do you openly show disapproval and frustration or regret? Can you hear what you're saying? Have you modeled the behavior you are so desiring in him? Think about it.... get back to me on it...."

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. I looked into his angry eyes this morning and a wave of such emotion flooded my heart. My poor baby... he carries so much around - and he shouldn't need to. He reacts according to me. He follows MY lead. And I let him down... over and over and over. I'm short tempered... easily frustrated and i am WRONG, dead WRONG to let my emotions control me.

I told him that we needed to pray. He was slightly resistant but he curled up in my lap. I asked forgiveness of the Lord and I prayed for my son and I. I prayed that God would make me a better mom, that He would help me with my anger and my reactions.... I asked that He would help him have a good day at school, and that his words and actions would be pleasing to Jesus' heart.

The rest of the morning went better. He hugged and kissed me when I dropped him off at school today - even OUTSIDE the car, where people can see!! :) HEE HEE!!!

Later in the day, I was doing some Christmas shopping and I had the radio on. The lead singer from the band Building 429 came on. His opening line was, "I used to have a problem with anger." Yes, I laughed outloud!

He went on to read Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." Thank you Jesus... such confirmation of what you're doing in my heart...such constant reminders and words to encourage me...

Thank You Jesus, for this season you have me in. This season, where I am more and more aware of how I am allowing my emotions to control my behavior. It's ugly. Thank you for opening my eyes and convicting my spirit. It's hard to admit. I don't want others to think less of me... but even more Jesus, I hate to imagine your face as you watch me treat your children w/o respect, w/o unconditional love, and in a manner than does nothing but teach them how NOT to love others. Set angels at the doorway of my mouth if you have to; send extra measures of patience and grace that i might extend it to my kids. Create in me a new set of eyes, that allow me to see situations as teachable moments, and not as a chance to "set them straight". Thank you for your word that continually reminds me of your faithfulness and love.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit withing me
Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away from thy presence Oh Lord
and take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation
and renew a right spirit within me.

Amen.

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

I've been loving this song lately. I'm working on getting it added to my playlist. In the meantime, you can always go to youtube and listen to it. Give these lyrics a read.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Now What?

So, I think I warned you that I was still thinking about the idea of seasons and how they affect us. Over the last day and a half, thoughts have kept popping in and I've been mulling and pondering. So, lets dive in :)

Okay, so we each find ourselves in a season. No matter the season, God never intends for us to stay in that season forever. We weren't created to simply BE one way or EXPERIENCE one kind of season. I think the passage in Ecclesiastes was pretty obvious about that! ( Granted, some seasons can last a LONG time, just ask the Israelites as they wandered the desert for 40 years! )

For the sake of ease, lets choose a difficult season in life. I won't pick a specific "situation" as i REALLY don't want anyone reading this to feel it's in any way directed at them! I have friends in all kinds of seasons.. and regardless of YOUR season, the same thoughts apply that I want to share. So, there's my disclaimer!

When I enter a particularly difficult season, my first instinct is usually panic, fear, guilt... and usually if not always CRYING.... and then I got about preparing myself mentally for the worst to come.

I play the what if game, I play out various scenario's of how to remove myself from the uncomfortable season. I start to wallow. I start to talk to my friends. I start to feel alone. I start to FEEL far from God. (notice all the EMOTIONAL responses!!! ack!)

My attitude goes to pot, my children start wondering why I am so snippy, why I'm so short, and why my joy is lacking. They don't say it in as many words as they're young, but they'll say things like, "Mommy, are you still angry?".... Talk about a blow to the gutt!

Communication at this point with my husband is hit and miss. I start making assumptions of this thoughts, I put upon him, in my mind, what i am guessing his intentions or meaning is behind what he says or does... And I can tell you, almost every time, i'm FAR from accurate. I start using my emotions to interpret his actions! Boy, is that dangerous!

After my initial self centered pity party, a friend will smack me up side the head (in a LOVING way of course!) and remind me that God's in control. Remind me that God is good, and point me to the WORD. So, that's where I go. I wish I could say I go there first. Though i CAN say, that in the last year, God has been pointing back to his Word more and more frequently at the beginning of a season than ever before. I think this comes more and more w/ me surrendering control and realizing, "Hello, i CAN not fix this on my own!"

So, what DOES the word say we're to do when trouble comes our way?!

Here's what James 1 says... (Message)
FAITH UNDER PRESSURE:
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.
Pardon me?! A gift? Aren't those wrapped in bright colored paper and meant to be offerings of love and affection? Aren't gifts meant to bring joy and satisfaction? I'm supposed to look at my tests and challenges and EMBRACE it? Be grateful for it? Notice too, it says FROM ALL sides! Sometimes seasons start to feel like they are piling and multiplying... and even THEN I should welcome them?

You know that under pressure, your faith-life if forced into the open and shows its true colors.
Ahh... yes... where DO i turn when i'm feeling that pressure? how do my actions show God where my trust lies? How do my words and actions reflect my heart?

So, don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do it's work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way.
Um, isn't our first reaction when in a crummy season, to think of the FASTEST way to get out of it?! How can we fix it? What can we do with the set of circumstances we are in to eliminate the discomfort and simply RUN AWAY from it? Not to mention how we often act like if we don't acknowledge the situation it'll just magically discenegrate and we'll be left NOT having to deal with it. But, no, God is actually saying.. DON'T try to get out so quickly. I don't think He's asking us to settle in for the LONG haul.. But I think HE wants us to embrace our hardships, being fully confident in HIS ability to carry us through it and then being aware and open READY and WILLING to be shaped and molded how He would desire.

I think we've all been through rough times and when we come out the other side, we all say, we're so much strong, we're closer to God, and we feel better equipped for the next storm.... we have been tested and found faithful... The fire never "feels" good. it's not "pleasant" but the end result is beauty!

So, you're in a season. Make the most of it. Pray continually, seek the wisdom of godly people, reach and and ACCEPT help, don't hide your season, be vulnerable, and be asking God to prepare you for each new step along the way. Embrace the hard times as you KNOW God is faithful. Rejoice in the good times, as you marvel and TELL of his great love for you and continue to GROW in HIS love, so that when the next season comes that is difficult; you'll be prepared and ready and confident in HIM.

James 1:12 says: Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is LIFE and MORE LIFE.

That's who I want to be.

Seasons.... and not the 4 that we know so well....

Today, the thought of seasons has been mulling through my mind. And, no... I don't mean Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. If you ask me, those seasons are much easier to prepare for, deal with, endure, and eagerly anticipate the next one to come around! After all, we generally know the climate to expect, the precipitation (or lack there of), what kinds of clothing to wear, what kinds of activities to participate in during that given season, and we all know WHEN that season is "over". Thanks to all the "solstices" we have exact "days" even for when a season starts and ends... Sure, sometimes mothernature throws in a late this or an early that... but for the most part it is consistent, expected, and we know the routine...

Ecclesiastes 3 gives a LONG list of seasons...
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Wow. That's a lot of seasons, don't you think? Life is hard, life is good, and life is FULL of periods of time where we get in a "place" that just holds us for a while... In God's time, we inch out (or sometimes leap) and start a new "Season".

God created us to be dynamic, enthusiastic, complex people. And each one of us, is just that... we hold depth, and breadth, and intricacies that often only our Maker sees. You know, the thoughts and dreams you keep to yourself, the silent hopes you don't share, for fear of appearing silly or stupid or even worse being called a dreamer or fool. How about the people you want to meet or get to know better, but you feel you have nothing to offer, nothing to give, nothing to contribute to... That, my friend is a season that I call "fear". It's a season where we're always holding back, where we're always being just slightly (or sometimes HUGELY) less than the person we were created to be.

All to often, we somehow start to buy into that season of fear and we allow it to become our place of normalcy. We accept the lies and untruths and we adjust our dreams/hopes/desires accordingly. We downsize internally and we settle for less than our potential.

Here's my challenge to you... close your eyes (when you're done reading of course!) and remember back... back when you had BIG BIG dreams... when you had BIG ridiculously huge aspirations... remember the thrill, the excitement... the shiver or that tingle... the heart rate that would pump and the sparkle in your eye.... God GIVES us those for a reason! Sure, not every wild concocted dream will become reality... but you'd never know which ones would be CLOSE to a reality if you never tried, never pursued, never followed through and never sought God's thoughts on the matter! The God of the universe, who put your frame together, KNOWS you, more intimately than another other breathing being... and He sees you at your full potential... I think if we could just get a glimpse of ourselves thru HIS eyes, some of us would be unrecognizable..... are ya following me, here??

Okay, not to totally squash that beautiful flow up there... but something else is just picking at me and I have to get it down and I know i'm getting long... I told you I would never promise to be short!

Here's the hard part... we're all in different seasons from each other. The beauty of nature's seasons is that we all share and embark thru the same weather... we can all partake in the same activities, look the same, act the same, and expect the same...

Not so with real life... I have friends in life who are in seasons of mourning; seasons of grief; seasons of denial; seasons of joy; seasons of illness; seasons of healing; seasons of being too buys; seasons of growth; seasons of peace; seasons of letting go; seasons of anticipation; seasons of hiding; seasons of giving; seasons of accepting; seasons of vulnerabitlity; seasons of change; seasons of trauma; seasons of drama; seasons of pain; seasons of fear; seasons of intimacy with their Savior; seasons of worship; seasons of awe; seasons of waiting..... and the list goes on!

And... the really tricky thing about our "inner" season is that we can HIDE it really really really well.... from most people! So, we often go through our day to day interactions with others, shoving our "season" down so that others only see what we want them to see.. so that others see only the glimpse of them that we feel is acceptable... so that we appear to have it together, so that we appear to be something that deep down we're really not! GUILTY as charged here, ever so many times! How many times have we greeted a friend or acquaintance at the store, at church, when dropping kids off or picking them up, on the phone, where EVER ... and someone asks you how you're doing and you say.... "GOOD!" Never mind that your husband just lost his job, never mind that your marriage is crumbling, never mind your child has walked away from God, never mind your battling an illness , never mind your anxious about finances, never mind you're mad at God stuff he allowed happen in your past, never mind... never mind... never mind.... We throw in the "Good" answer to speed up the small talk, all the while not making eye contact so that we can resume or hasty retreat...

But if you're like me, and you've DONE THIS VERY THING.. you walk away feeling even a tiny bit more empty than you did moments before... part of you is sad, that the person didn't see through you.. part of you is sad you didn't have the gutts to show you're real heart... part of you is regretful for missing a chance for encouragement and a big part of you feels invisible...

So, we've go to TALK to one another. We've got to LISTEN to one another. We've got to SEEK each other out. We've got to FOLLOW through with those nudges from the spirit that says, "Call so'n'so"... Just obey! Just do it. It's uncomfortable, yes. It's scary, yes... But who cares?! The last time someone said to me, "You know, God put you on my heart and I wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing..." I literally teared up instantaneously! It wasn't someone i knew REALLY well, but the bond that we now have is amazing...

As a mom, I often feel locked into my season of being a mommy! It's hard to switch gears into being a friend, being a wife, being a daughter, being a ..... you name what it is for you... And, honestly, there are days when i WOULD rather give my attention to being in the season of "Friendship" and "ME" than being a "mommy". Here's the season I'm struggling in right now... It's finding JOY and contentment in being a mom to my kids. Ouch, that hurts just saying it. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my kids... But i'm getting lost in the day to day and not building a firm foundation to grow upon in further years. I'm in a rush throughout my day to get to the next thing. It's like a mental checklist. I've found myself begrudging the little things... and not using those little things to be teachable moments... but rather using them to fuel my frustration and sense of entitlement.

I've been long winded. I've felt a little bit skitzofrenic in my thoughts tonight.. jumping here to there and back... but it's how my crazy brain works! Not to mention It's nearly 11 pm :)

Thanks friends for reading... I'm so excited to just write and i'm ever so encouraged by your posts to let me know I'm not alone.

I still have more season thoughts rattling around... but those will have to wait...

I'll close with this...
Ps: 73:23-26
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!

AMEN!

now go close your eyes and go back to a time you drempt big... feel free to share comments :)

whispers and giggles

One night last week, after the boys were tucked in to bed, I crawled into bed with Carissa to have a few minutes of girl time. She wanted to talk about our Grandma's and Papa's, so we first went through her list.. she'd say something she liked about him/her... then she asked me about my grandparents... I spoke about my mom's mom and dad and then went on to tell her that my Dad's parents have both died. She had a momentary pause and she said, "Well, what DID you like about them..." I went on to share and then she said, "Will their bodies look the same in heaven as they did here?" Quite a mind on her for a 4 year old, don't you think?? :) So we talked about roads and parties and what kind of fun activities we might do in heaven.... and we went on to list our favorite songs.... which then lead to SINGING our favorite songs... After about 20 minutes I finally left the room! She was very pleased and as I said goodnight she said, "This was the best and I wanna do it every night!" to which I said, "This was fun... but I don't know about EVERY night!!!"

So, tonight she asked me again to come "talk about things" as I was tucking her in. I told her I'd be back after helping tuck in the boys. That mission accomplished, I came and crawled onto her twin size bed (which is VERY comfortable mind you!) and snuggled in.

"Lets talk about our best friends. Who is your BEEEESSSTTT friend mommy?"

"Auntie Jani is one of my BEEEESSTTT friends", I said.

"Laura's mine... OH and EmmaDean ...." (which yes, she isn't just EMMA.. she's EMMA DEAN! everytime! Even when we lived with Dean's for 2 weeks... it was "emmadeaannnn....)

She then went on to ask me who else was my best friend... I went on to say Daddy... to which she giggled, put her hands to her face, and said, "Mommy, he's your husband!" (said in almost a whisper!) I said, "Well, yes he is, but he can still be my bestfriend!" The thought seemed almost too hard to contain w/o laughter as she threw her head back and laugh! LOL Makes me wonder if we don't let her see the "friendship" side enuf, of if it's is pure hilarity for her to think a BOY and a GIRL could be bestfriends!?! hmmm..

We were winding down the night as I was praying for her... That her heart would continue to grow in Jesus and that she'd long to follow and obey Him and that she'd make choices that pleased His heart....along with the generic, please give good dreams and no scary/naughty dreams.... Sweet times with my only daughter... I so want to cherish these memories. When we sit alone and "talk about things" as she calls it, she comes up with these amazing thoughts and I wonder how i lose sight of her creativy the other millions of moments we share...

You get what you ask for!

Man oh man. I wasn't even out of bed this morning before I felt the inner battle starting for the day. I went to bed last night, with a plan for my morning, the alarm would go off, i would hop out of bed, iron Eric's shirt for work (don't worry, this is a rare occurrence so don't think i'm anything to aspire to!), get Noah through the shower and the kids through breakfast, fix Eric's lunch, and do it all while having a heart of JOY. Sounds perfect, huh?

Enter stage.. Carissa at 5:45 am... "I want to get up...when will it be morning... I have to pee... I want a drink... will you tuck me back in... I'm not tired...." I'm knowing my alarm is due to go off in about a half hour and I so want to get the last few precious winks of sleep. I guide her through the routine of potty and drinks and tucking back in and try to not engage in eye contact or verbal conversation as I really am pretending I'm still snug in my warm bed...soon I am back under my covers... ahhh sleep... just a few more minutes....

Enter stage... Noah at 6:24 (by the way, my alarm SHOULD have gone off at 6:20 but low and behold I hadn't actually turned it ON after setting the time... I should have been thanking the Lord for getting me up as I'd planned.......).... He'd had an accident and was drenched... he AND his bed... *big sigh* as my feet hit the floor and i shuffle to the bedroom, still pretending it's night and completely planning to send his behinder back to bed... We go thru the necessary steps to get him back to bed and i walk back to bed... slip under the covers and lay there... Oh, and I forgot to mention Micah followed Noah into our room at 6:24 am. When I asked Noah if he'd woken Micah up on purpose he said, "YES, b/c i was scared!" OH the thoughts that went thru my mind... but i DID manage to hold my tongue. Perhaps and angel was sitting on it.

As i crawled back into bed I mumbled to Eric, "Well, good thing he didn't shower last night because that would have just been a waste." ACK, as soon as I said it i knew it was ugly. It wasn't necessary, it wasn't purposeful and it certainly didn't start my day out living regret free...

Throughout the day, as I've been ever so conscious of my thoughts and words, I've repeatedly had to seek the Lord's face for strength and patience. It seems that Micah has literally lost thousands of brain cells during the night, because surely the behavior he's exhibiting today is just so THOUGHTLESS and done on such impulse. It doesn't hurt for me to remember he IS only 3 years old... :)

I honestly think, that I'm in for a few rough days here at home. I think that there will be all kinds of opportunities for me to slip into old habits, plenty of chances for me to spew words that don't build up or edify... and as I go through my day, my constant prayer is "guard my heart and guard my lips"...