Bound to His Heart

Sibling Rivarly

2011-11-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

My children are 9, 7, 6, and 4. My two oldest are nearly 10 and 8. You know when your kids are small - that the years seem to create huge gaps in their physical and emotional maturity and capabilities? It seems like somewhere between 3 and 6 we just sort of lumped them all together. Having our kids so close together in age has it's challenges and it's benefits. For many years it was easy to lump them together with what they could do - especially the oldest 3 who are all within 3 years of each other. Chores, discipline, rewards, expectations.... were generally the same. Mostly out of sanity for my husband and myself. Sometimes there were moments where I felt my oldest was getting the shaft - feeling as if he deserved more rewards than he was getting. But then I often felt that my 3rd born was getting the shaft as my expectations of him where equal to that of his brother - 3 years older.

All this to say - it's been a song and dance and time of adjusting and pondering lately.

It seems that as our kids age - I am seeing the age difference be more pronounced. I anticipate this for a season and then I anticipate it falling back into the older pattern where they catch up with each other (perhaps in the teen years).

As a Mom, I find myself flustered and frustrated when watching and listening to my kids. I think they feel frustrated with the status quo right now as well. There is a lack of consistency from the parents and lack of follow through all the time. My oldest wants to have the extra privileges without the extra responsibility. My younger ones want to have equal rights to the big brother. The "That's not fair" line is thrown around a LOT. I mean A LOT. It doesn't seem to matter how much I acknowledge and encourage them to buy into the fact that life isn't fair; they think it should be.

Mornings seem to be the witching hour at our house. Getting ready for school, showers, breakfast, back packs, coats.... all of that is interrupted with flares of tempers and words that are less than building in nature. "He made me". "It's all her fault." and "I am so angry right now", are heard regularly. I frequently have to remind them that it takes 2 to fight. That no one can MAKE you feel a certain way or MAKE you choose a poor choice. I also remind them that anger is okay but it has to be handled in an okay way. That in their anger they can not sin. Practical ways they shouldn't sin right now is in hitting, rude words, glaring, sticking their tongues out, hitting walls, throwing things, or any sort of violence.

I wish I could get a glimpse into their little hearts and see what was going on in there. Maybe then I could understand better how to parent.

Right now, it's just tough.

This feels like a disjointed flailing post .... but it did help to just get a few thoughts out.

How do you deal with sibling rivalry?

The Body of Christ

2011-10-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month my daughter, Carissa, became very sick. We eventually figured out that she had a kidney infection and that was the cause of her pain and high fevers. It was a scary couple days as we went to the Dr. and eventually to the ER when she spiked 105.4 F! As we were in the ER we had our small group praying. Soon, there was a group of folks at church aware of what was going on and the body of Christ went into action. There was spiritual action in the form of prayer and supplication to God. There was emotional support - friends asking if we were okay. There was the practical support - in the form of asking how the kids needed help, whether we'd eaten dinner (which we hadn't so dinner was brought to us in the ER!) and there was FRIENDSHIP offered and followed through with action. We had friends stop by the ER to see how we were and to let us know that they were "there". We felt rallied around in that moment in a very tangible way.

We saw the body of Christ work in a very real and tangible way that week. It was such a beautiful thing. I was so encouraged by our church family and felt apart of something so much bigger than I had felt before. People cared about my daughter. People cared about my family. People cared about ME. What a blessed thing.

It hasn't always felt that way though. There have been seasons in our life and marriage where sometimes we've felt alone. We've gone through the motions of attending church and functions and we have silently been hurting. Perhaps we've never been brave enough to show the truth of hearts - or perhaps others haven't taken the time to see it, acknowledge it and then follow through. Regardless - the body of Christ wasn't able to function as it was meant to b/c we allowed fear, insecurities, pride, or lies to get in the way.

When will we as a church and as the family of God - remove the mask and let people see us as we really are? Once the insecurities and lies are brought into the light and we share our "deep dark secrets" we usually see that others have so many of their own. When will we stop feeling the judgement of others before we ever give them a chance to show mercy?

Don't we usually appreciate the candor and honesty when others share with us their pain and angst? We don't leave an encounter with a sister in Christ and scoff and her weakness, blame her for the pain she's in, or tell her that if she just had more faith she'd be a better woman, wife, mother, friend, employee, or daughter of Christ. And yet, don't we silently tell ourselves those very words when we are in the place of darkness? Don't we say to ourselves, "If I was more submissive to my husband", or "If I didn't yell at my kids and speak harshly to them", or "If I'd called that friend this week I could have.....", or "I don't deserve the mercy of my boss because I wasn't on 100% this week....", or "I'm worth nothing." Lies, lies, lies, lies.

God is the source of our strength. Without him, we are weak. We are shells of bodies, walking the earth for OURSELVES. When we have him and we call on his name, he fills us, bouy's our spirits and enables us to do things so far beyond our human capacities. He enables us to take another step, forgive, confront, obey, place boundaries, speak, be silent, move, stand still, WAIT, listen and in the process give him all the glory. In our weakness He makes us strong - not so that we can show the world OUR strength but so that we can SHOW his STRENGTH in such obvious ways. There will be no doubt that He is at work in me. And may my pride be in you and not in myself. EVER.

I'm finding that what we WANT out of the body of Christ - we have to be first in GIVING to the body of Christ. If we want accountability, if we want friendship, if we want compassion, if we want mercy, if we want forgiveness..... all those things are products of giving. We can't take accountability with out vulnerability. Friendship isn't true friendship if it's not 2 sided. Compassion when taken but not given isn't fair to the giver. Mercy when not given and only taken is undeserved and when we don't forgive others God has no reason to forgive us. In fact he says in the word of God that if can't and don't forgive our brother that he can't forgive us either.

Father, give me boldness to be real. Boldness to be vulnerable. I ask that you help erase the fears of insecurity, worrying what others will think of me, fear of rejection, and that you will give me words and a heart that conveys the power of you in my life. That I would be a giver of accountability, friendship, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness. May I be a limb in the body of Christ - hands that give life - and don't destroy, a mouth that encourages and doesn't condemn, and a heart that beats in time with Yours.

Saturday nights

2011-09-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night. If you're anything like me (Which, you might consider yourself lucky if you aren't) you might be finding yourself getting prepared for Sunday. Tomorrow I have the privilege and honor of joining some fellow musicians and together, we get to lead our brothers, sisters, and friends in Christ to the feet of Jesus in worship. It's not a small responsibility and it can sit heavy with me some days. Often I can feel the weight of my own personal and even spiritual inadequacies and I can question whether I should even be a used vessel of God.

Often, those visible in leadership, ie, on the stage - can seem to those sitting in the pews as being individuals that have some how gotten it together better. Somehow they have figured out how to conquer sin, resist temptation, tame bad habits, turn from poor choices, choose the right words, turn the other cheek, and on top of that ... they might even have on an outfit that matches, hair that looks in place and a smile that is plastered on to their face........ while on stage anyway. How many times have I listened to a speaker, whether at church or a conference or retreat and just based on WATCHING them, walked away defeated? Hmm... probably too many times to recall or count.

As a woman, comparing myself to another person is as second nature as breathing. It's that ever present "Sizing-up" that we fall so victim to. It's where we rate ourselves and either end of feeling "Better" or "Worse" - both of which dishonor God and ourselves.

My biggest fear when leading my friends in worship is that we as a band will somehow get in the way of their opportunity to see Jesus. I fear that we will be a distraction and that their hearts will be drawn away from the wonder of Jesus and that a moment of intimacy with Jesus will be missed. You can trust, my church family, that Saturday nights and Sunday mornings are full of short one sentence prayers petitioned to the Father ... that you might come and worship. That you might come and feel peace. That you might come and feel WHOLE. That you might come and REST. That you might come and MEET Jesus face to face, heart to heart, and in a way you have never encountered His love.

Saturday nights are also a time when I tend to evaluate my week. I still get into the trap of not wanting to start Sunday out "on the wrong foot". I still want to walk into church feeling like "I'm good with God" and all is well. I find it sad, and even embarrassing to admit - because aren't we called to evaluate our EVERY day? God desires our BEST at all times - not just when we prepare to "enter his courts". I'm personally working to not keep a ledger book during the week. You know, where you mentally jot down the wrongs you might have done during the week. Then, at some moment just do a large sweeping prayer such as, "Oh Lord, I'm sorry for the bad things I did this week. Please forgive me and help me to do better. Thank you. Amen"

Surely I am not the only one that's done that?? :)

I'm working to be intentional and listen to the spirit's nudge. When I recognize a sin in action I am trying to first, stop the sinning, and then repent immediately to the Lord. This keeps me in constant communication with the Father and it doesn't allow for the guilt to pile as perhaps that little wrong here and the little wrong there seem to accumulate and distract me. I don't have to feel that poking and prodding. I am freed to spend my thoughts and energies on the positive things in my day - blessing someone, calling someone, serving my family, and just being with God.

I'm not perfect. I'm a sinner - just like you. I have short comings and failings. I play games with God. I act like he doesn't know everything, when I know he does. I dismiss the Holy Spirit and his nudges sometimes. I get angry. I roll my eyes at my kids. I model poor behavior. I throw temper tantrums. I gossip. I lie. I disrespect my husband. And I dishonor my God with my thoughts and attitudes. (And trust me, there's plenty more)

Even after all of that - He's eager to hear me come to him.

So, it's Saturday night. Tomorrow is Sunday. I'm preparing in my usual ways. I've thought through the songs and what I might say. I've had the kids pick out their outfits tonight so that it's easier for my hubby to get them around. I'll be doing inventory in my heart - and this time not because I want to give off the false impression that "I've got it figured out". No, this time it's because I want my full capacity to serve Jesus to be used. I don't want there to be any corner, nook, cranny, or crawl space where sin can lurk.

I can't wait to see how God will be praised tomorrow!!!!

Blessed through Obedience

2011-09-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that nudge from the Holy Spirit? That voice that seems to whisper and echo in your mind and heart as if to say, "You know what to do, now do it." And that thing you feel you're being asked to do is something you're kind of dreading. Well, that happened to me this week.

A couple days ago a neighbor mentioned to me over the fence that she had found another small handful of rocks over her fence. The guilty party, not just once but now twice over, was Josiah (aka, JJ). She handed me the bag and expressed her concern for rocks coming over the fence. I apologized (tho I felt myself lacking sincerity) and told her I'd address the issue again. After another minute I walked away feeling irritated that she'd make such a big deal of it. "Boys are boys and boys will throw. It's not his fault we live in the city. Yes, I understand the hazard but did it really need to be a big deal??"

As I evaluated my frustrations and fumed further I realized it was mostly out of embarrassment and pride that my feelings were originating. I was embarrassed that I was being called out on the behavior of my kid. My pride had taken a hit. No longer would she think of me as the mom with great kids who shared her back fence. I'd be the Mom who couldn't control her kids who shared the back fence with her.

It wasn't long before the thought of apologizing came to mind. I knew in my heart I'd been defensive and abrupt with her. I knew in my heart, I'd been disrespectful and that my heart had not pleased God. I began to think through how I could apologize with it hurting the least. Sort of like a half "you know what" kind of apology. Again, I knew this wouldn't be the answer.

I decided to use a painting that JJ made as an apology card from JJ. He signed his name to the note that said, " I am sorry for throwing rocks over the fence.".

Secretly I was hoping I could find her in the back yard - perhaps see her working in her yard and just holler over the fence, hand her the note, apologize quickly and get it over with. I decided to work in the yard and found myself saying to the Lord, "Give me an opportunity Lord. I will be sincere and heart felt. I really am sorry for my behavior and my attitude now and I do want to please you and I do want to apologize. Send her out into the yard so I can do this." As quickly as the thought and prayer was off my "tongue/mind" it was as if I felt God saying to me, "Why should I have to send her out? You know where she lives. Go. And go NOW."

I had a choice. I knew God wanted me to go. I knew it'd be hard to swallow my pride. I knew face to face would feel different than a stretch over the fence and a quick laugh as we both moved on. I knew it would take vulnerability and honesty. I also knew the feeling and need to apologize wasn't going to fade. It'd stuck with me for several days and it had not budged.

So I grabbed the card and I grabbed a container of strawberry freezer jam and hopped in the car. I drove around the block to her house and parked. "Okay Lord... here I go."

I knocked on her door and when she opened the door I told her, "Hi, I'm your neighbor from the back yard." She eagerly said hello and asked me into her home. (Okay, surprise #1). She seemed a little puzzled at my coming but was immediately gracious and welcoming into her home. I went on to explain, "I just wanted to apologize for the conversation we had last week over the fence. I really felt like I was rude and abrupt with you and I know I was wrong. I have felt very convicted of my actions and I wanted to say that I am sorry. JJ made you a card and here is some strawberry freezer jam....".

Her face lit up and she said, "THANK you so much!" She acknowledged that the timing of the conversation wasn't good. She had rushed it as she knew she had a pot on the stove and she knew I was just grabbing something quick off the back porch. She said she'd hesitated before saying something but did it anyway. (And I'm glad she did). After a few more minutes of chatting she asked me if I'd like to join her for a glass of ice tea. (Surprise #2). I said, "YES! Let me go grab my purse out of the car." I was smiling to myself already as I walked to the car to get my purse and come back inside. My obedience was already being blessed.

She poured us ice tea in beautiful crystal glasses that almost looked similar to ice cream parfait glasses. We started to talk and we talked for at least an hour and a half! We covered topics of parenting, church, work, going back to school, moving, adapting, houses, peaches, and dogs. No kidding!! She went on to tell me how she loves to hear Carissa sing in the backyard and hear the boys playing. She said she finds Hooper to be such a regal looking dog and doesn't mind him at all. But the best thing she said the whole conversation was this. She said, "I want to thank you for being a mom that doesn't yell and scream at her kids. You are a mom that talks to them when you discipline. I can hear you and I really respect that in you." I was astonished. I thanked her and brushed it aside. But later in our chat I came back to her comment and told her how much it meant to me. I expressed to her how much her comment had touched my heart. Often as a mom I feel frazzled and I know I have resorted to anger, manipulation, bribery, or just pure yelling to communicate. And knowing that I've done that before has often left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed, knowing full well it's wrong. It's an area where I have been consciously working to do better - asking God for His help.

I left my house feeling anxious of the conversation to come. Not knowing how it would end up but knowing it was a conversation that needed to be had.

But I went.

I left her home feeling full and encouraged. Feeling blessed not only by God but by my new found friend. I left feeling validated by a veteran mom and grandma. I left feeling hopeful for what is yet to be in our friendship. She opened her home and her heart to me. We exchanged numbers and I plan to stop in and visit her again. Perhaps next time I'll take the guilty party with me. She told me she planned to put his picture (card) on the fridge.

I sense that God could use her in my life for good things. And perhaps God could use me and even a rock throwing boy, in her life. We need each other so much more than we often think.

God will always bless us when we choose to walk in obedience. It isn't always in blessings seen immediately. It isn't always presented with a bow wrapped around it and a big balloon attached. But it was for me today. Today I was given the gift of friendship.

Grace Spot of the Day

2011-02-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

I've started couponing. Yes, I've become "one of those"... you know the one you regret getting behind at the grocery store line, especially when you realize that someone has come behind you in line and you are now trapped... unable to escape. Actually, can I tell you - that might be true of SOME crazy couponers... but not me. Oh no, I'm organized. I have my coupons in order, stacked tidily on top of whatever given item is being purchased. I place dividers between my orders and smile sweetly. Oh sure, my 3 inch binder is in the front of the cart - coupons spilling out the top and my cash is poking out of the "envelope system" we use for cash purchases... but it's all good my friends... because I am saving getting more bang for my buck... and who wouldn't want THAT?!

So I started this a few weeks ago. This last week there were some great deals and I eagerly took advantage of them. I mean, GOOD deals! Anyway - come to find out though, I spent a lil more than I anticipated for the week on groceries and felt a slight sinking feeling in my gut... wondering if I'd made some sort of fiscal mistake... Ever done that? Course you have. You're human. Just like me.

Anyway, today is Sunday, and as is customary a couple papers are purchased and I sit down with scissors in hand - ready to clip and organize my handy dandy Krazycouponlady binder.

Secretly I was hoping the deals wouldn't be great so that I didn't feel the pull and angst of wanting to spend and buy and feeling like I shouldn't spend and buy. As I closed the last ad and flipped the last page of the ONLY insert in the paper (redplum this week) I happily realized I hadn't seen one deal I "had to have", nor clipped ONE coupon that needed to be used for my family.

Now see, on any other given date - I'd have perhaps felt disappointed or annoyed. But, not today. Nope. Today I smiled. It was like God's little gift to me. It was his way of keeping me from obsessing about coupons, trips to the store, organizing my transactions to get the best value, and hours of scouring the internet for more coupons and deals and the like. It's like he gave me the week off. Well, until the Wednesday paper comes out and I get a peek at the local grocery ads that don't run in the Sunday. But by then, I'll have been nearly a week w/o spending on groceries and I'll have a green light to go....

God is gracious to me. He gives me what I need, when I need it. How do I become blind to it so easily??

This month is one of sacrifice in many areas. We just started the DAVE RAMSEY Financial Peace class at our church and the budget that we used before is needing some tweakage (yup, new word). Wouldn't you know it - our heater motor is wacked out and not working? Wouldn't you know it - all the big bills are due this month so we're unable to adopt the new budget yet. Wouldn't it happen that my dryer squeals so badly you can hear it when you drive into the driveway? Yup... it's true.

And I spent a good part of the morning in a pity party. But Eric took me into our room, closed the door, and prayed. Prayed for our hearts. Prayed for our money. Prayed for our lack of money. Prayed that we would stay focused on God and on the blessings He gives daily (and in such abundance).

Was I instantly cured of my wallowing? No - even flippantly said I wasn't convinced ... I'm such a dork, I know. But as the day went by - God showed up and grinned down on me and it was as if he teasingly said, "Now, whatever you do... don't smile daughter.... nope, no, don't do it...."

And whatya know? I ended up grinning back.... just like daughters do to their Daddy's all the time.

His gift to me

2010-12-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

This past week I came across a job opportunity at my church. It was for a part time office assistant position. If you would have known me as a little girl, you'd know that my favorite piece of furniture in my room was my desk. I would sit and arrange and rearrange my pencils and pens and piles of paper. I always pretend I was doing an important job or something for someone else important.

Oddly enough, this same job was open 9 years ago when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I actually applied for the job back then, thinking that perhaps motherhood might cause me to be stir crazy. :) Such are the thoughts of a first time mom, sometimes. ;o)

Anyway, when I hear the job was again open, these 9 years later my heart quickened. I knew realistically in my head that it wasn't really an option but I did entertain the thoughts. I even talked to a friend who works there about the position and we both agreed that it'd sure be a FUN thing for all of us.

When I brought it up to Eric, he was more than wiling to support the idea. Me, working 3 days a week, putting JJ in childcare, figuring after school logistics, everything. He was willing to do whatever it took to help this happen for me if I wanted it. That was a welcome gift. His support is cherished, still now.

As the next few days went by, we'd talk about it and pray about it. My heart just couldn't find the peace I was so hoping for. With a twinge of disappointment (And yet utmost confidence, oddly enough) I let them know that I would be passing on putting in an application. I told Eric and he was okay with my decision as well. I know that God has me at home for this season of life with kids and I want to be 100% okay with that and trust His plan is best.

Today, I saw the listing for the job in our church newsletter. I can't say there wasn't a silent groan inside me that wanted to say, "Hey, that's my job!". But, as I read I also saw the days and hours had slightly changed as well. I started to think about it - and realized those hours would have worked slightly better for me scheduling wise... but it added a 4th day to the work week.

There is no way I could have, with any good sense of peace, worked 4 days a week. It just isn't something I'd have felt comfortable with. And yet, of course, my flesh gets in the way and I wonder....

I grabbed my Bible and closed my eyes. I said, "God, I know this is silly. I know you didn't want that job for me. I know your plans are best. Please reassure my heart."

I had opened my Bible as I grabbed it but hadn't glanced down as I'd gone straight to prayer. When I opened my eyes my finger was on this verse in Daniel.

Daniel 4:4

I, Nebuchadnezzar, (okay, i like to read 'I, Charity') was at home in my palace, contented and prosperous."

Now it might not say much to you. But in my heart I think I might have done a back flip. Tears started to roll down my face as I started to laugh. It was His gift to me. He didn't have to do it. He didn't have to listen to, or answer, my silly plea of confirmation. He is so patient with my flesh as I ask for (and even sometimes demand) Him to show me His ways.

This Christmas season God's been in the business of restoring relationships and showering the little blessings that add up to be so much. I'm truly grateful for Christ in my life this Christmas.

Grace Spots

2010-11-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

The past 3 weeks at church our pastor has talked about GRATITUDE. This last week was about spotting God's grace - even when your world is falling apart. It's harder to see the little things where God thinks especially of us and throws a little "here ya go, I know you'll like THIS!" at us. I know my eyes (heart) can see and linger on the areas where I feel lost, alone, failed, or like I'm drowning. I can fixate on my fears, insecurities, worries all too easy and stop relying on His goodness to get me through the minute, hour and day.

Sometimes we hit a season in life where we wonder where God's goodness has gone. At that point it's time to rely on what we know and not how we feel. We know of God's goodness - and we've seen it documented in the Bible .. and in lives around us. It isn't just for them. It's for us a well. It's for ME. Perhaps it looks different in my life. I'm convinced it does. It's what makes God's love personal for ME and individualized for MY heart.

It's time for me to list a few things I'm grateful for.

~ I love the way the snow and ice is frozen on the branches outside. I'm itching to get out there with my camera!

~The lights and ornaments on my Christmas tree.

~The new tires on my Expedition that got us safely UP and DOWN from the mts where we got our tree.

~How paint keeps my 3 year old happy and contented.

~How my said 3 year old is enamored with J's. His identity is wrapped up in his name (nickname, JJ).

~Coffee and white chocolate pwd to make my own marble mocha.

~warm fuzzy mittens

~my best friend, Jani

Forehead, I'd like you to meet Mr. 2x4

2010-11-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

I can't even decide what to title this entry. (I did title it at the END of writing the entry! ha ha)

It has been months since I have sat down and put fingers to the keys to share where my heart is. Honestly, since we're all friends here, I'll just share that it was easier NOT to write for a while. Sure, I still wrote - I just kept it to pen and paper and left it between God and I.

Sometimes we find ourselves in a place in life where at the end of the day "HE and I" are all there is that matters. If we were honest with each other, TRULY honest, we'd recognize that should be a daily occurrence don't you think? It's just so often we find ourselves allowing others to meet our needs and fill our spaces that really should be met and overflowed with from God.

God's faithfulness continues to be such a place of grace in my life. The more I find beauty in his faithfulness the more I recognize the harsh blatancy of my sin and failings. I see it most lived out in my mothering and my marriage. I suppose because these are the people I'm most honest with in my actions and words. Not because I'm such an honest person - but because my true nature shines brighter than I'd like sometimes. And sometimes I don't see what I am, until I see it in my children.

Just yesterday - my oldest son was angry with his younger brother. I watched him walk rather forcefully up to his younger brother - his hands were clenched and his jaw tight. His eyes were narrow and his tone was .... well, it was me. " I am VERY angry with you right now," he says. I don't remember the other words that followed out of his mouth. My eyes started to well up with tears b/c in that instant I saw and heard ME coming out of the mouth of my 8 year old.

Hello 2x4. Nice to meet you. UGH.

I called my oldest to me. And then I did something I don't do enough. I told him that I first needed to apologize. I told him that I recognized something in him as he talked to his brother. It was just how I had talked to him before. I was able to share with him how sorry I was that I had modeled how to talk to others in a bad way and we were able to have a good conversation from then on.

His words/actions shined a light on an area in my life that needs God's healing touch. How thankful I am, that He is a God that knows my flaws and yet finds me beautiful. He's a God that delights in my voice and yearns to pursue me and refine me.

Thanks for being patient with me this year as I was on hiatus for the most part. Sometimes there's a time for silence... but I'm happy to say that I think that season is past!!! YEAH!

Talk to ya soon!!!

Good Girls Don't Have To Dress Badly

2010-08-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

It's blog-tour time again!!! This time I got the chance to read this great book by Shari Braendel. Shari is a sought out Christian author and speaker who loves to tie together looking great and reflecting the beauty from the inside out. Remember the days of "color me beautiful"? Think of that times a bunch!!! Inside this book she outlines for women what colors, types of clothing, the best swim wear recommendations for body type, jean cut, make up and hair color tips... even down to what size purse is best for your height, size, and sense of style!!!

It's super easy to read and has room in the back for note taking as you go along. My only negative thing to say about the book was that it said I should NEVER EVER wear black. Are you kidding me?! I love black. Sigh. Hmmmph. :o)

So, check out Shari's website HERE. Who knows. Maybe your church could book her to come speak!?! How fun would that be? A couple hundred gals together talking fashion and God all in one weekend!!!

Should you want to follow her BLOG go HERE. She gives tips and advice throughout the week!

MOST of all... check out the book on AMAZON!! With all the shows out there now on TV and looking to the media and Hollywood for fashion advice, I think it's high time we support a fellow Christian woman and her passion for helping us dress well to fit the way God made us..... and not cut ourselves short when we compare ourselves to the latest celebrity on the magazines at the grocery store.

And if you don't want to take MY word for it.... check out all these other bloggers and get their opinion!!!

AND NOW... if you've hung in with me this long, here comes the good part! There's a contest! And it's so much bigger than JUST a book! Though, who doesn't love a free book?!

So, here it is......

The link below at FashionMeetsFaith isn't working so to go to Shari's website click HERE and then click on the enter sweepstakes bar.

Fashion Makeover Contest
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Complete and submit the entry form at www.FashionMeetsFaith.com, Shari Braendel FaceBook page, Zondervan FaceBook page, Zondervan Twitter account between August 9, 2010 at 9:00 a.m. (EST) and August 28, 2010 at 5:00 p.m (EST).

First Prize: One Winner will receive . . .
One $500 Visa gift card, one web camera, one-hour fashion consultation with Shari Braendel via Skype, one set of color swatches, and one autographed copy of Good Girls Don’t Have to Dress Bad. Approximate retail value: $600. The fashion consultation will be scheduled at a mutually convenient time for the winner and Ms. Braendel on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday between September 15 and November 15, 2010.

Second Prize: Three Winners will receive . . .
One $100 Visa gift card, one 30-minute fashion consultation with Shari Braendel via telephone, one set of color swatches, and one autographed copy of Good Girls Don’t Have to Dress Bad. Approximate retail value: $450. The fashion consultation will be scheduled at a mutually convenient time for the winner and Ms. Braendel on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday between September 15 and November 15, 2010.

Third Prize: Ten Winners will receive . . .
One autographed copy of Good Girls Don’t Have to Dress Bad. Approximate retail value $150.

For complete details, visit Shari’s website.

As is always the case, I was given Good Girls Don't Have to Dress Badly, from the publisher in return for reviewing Shari's book for my readers.

BLOG TOUR TIME!!

2010-05-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

4:04 pm 5-28

GIVEAWAY OVER: I will momentarily be emailing my winner. I'm hoping to do more of these, so try again next time if you were not the lucky winner!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tony Evans has written a new book called "Marriage Matters". It caught my attention when I received my regular Blog Tour Spot email. Tony Evans' website is great so check it out HERE.

Lets just get through a few of the nitty gritty details and then I'll share my thoughts on this book.

By participating in the Blog Tour Spot I am able to receive books and give my own review of them at no charge. It's a great chance to have literature (all kinds!!!) delivered to my very own mailbox! I then, read the book that I received and then blog about it. I get to sign up for the books of my choice and it is never forced upon me! It's a great way to learn/read/glean insight not only into the way God thinks and loves me but also in the way that He created us to live life.

The following link is to other blog spot tour bloggers who are also reviewing "Marriage Matters". If you'd like someone else's opinion about the book hop on over there and check them out! I'm sure they'd love the feedback as well!! :)

Ok, lets dive in!!!!!

When I got "Marriage Matters" in the mail I was honestly thrilled to see that it was a short book! Life has been hectic lately and I genuinely wondered if this book would keep my attention. Never, though, have I seen so much powerpacked into such few pages when reading about marriage! The book is only 76 pages long. It's thin, the font is nice and readable and the conversational style made it easy to get lost in. I actually read the book in it's entirety in one afternoon/evening. It was a lot to soak in. And I'm sure I'll be reading it over and over. My pencil was busy underlining thoughts that I wanted to go back and linger on.... as my heart was eager to see what he would say next!

Evans' talked about the covenant of marriage and how in modern times we often lose sight of what a covenant is. Let alone a covenant made with God in the center. God created marriage and created the hierarchy of God, man, and woman. He was able to explain and show the relationship and the chain of "command" so to speak in a way that left me desiring the act of "submission" where often in some books it can seem like the biggest chore on the planet.

"God says that mankind will mirror His image on earth.... what that means is that you can have a happy marriage or a miserable marriage depending on whether your rule is reflecting His image. He sets up the fundamentals of a covenant, and gives you the option of utilizing them. Oftentimes, the well-being of the home is determined by whether the man is reflecting God's image in his role, or the woman is reflecting Him in her role..... Virtually every time there is a marital breakdown, it is because one or both parties are functioning outside of the covenantal fundamental of transcendence...". (Marriage Matters, pg 14-15).

In the hierarchy that God established it starts with Christ... and then moves to the man.... and then down to the woman. One of my favorite quotes from the book is about the idea of men leading in the home.

"The best thing that a man can do in leading his home and cultivating his marriage is to raise the questions, 'What is the mind of Christ on this matter?' and then follow it. Once you have done that, you will have your wife's full attention, and submission. Because now she is no longer arguing with you and your opinions. Now you have brought Christ and His word into the equation. Eventually she will relax when she sees that you are underneath an authority that can be trusted.... A wife needs to feel secure. A man must align himself under the Word of God to offer an environment that causes her to feel that way. When he does that, he will be demonstrating what it means to be a truly spiritual leader over her." (Marriage Matters, pg 40-41)

Wow. Need I truly say more?!

This book is one that I have already mentioned to several friends and I'm sure it will borrowed and poured over. I found it encouraging and offering hope, where sometimes reading marriage material can leave me feeling like a failure!

So, I'm doing my first ever give away!!!! If you send me an email me at my email address (boundtohisheart@gmail.com) I will enter you into a giveaway for this very book. The way it works is that you send me your name and address. I then send your name and address (the winner's only) to Blog Spot Tours and they will have a copy of this book sent straight to you (again, free of charge!). :o)

Because I'm late in the game I'll be closing the giveaway tomorrow (5/28) by 4 pm. I'll need to get my winner's info to the BSTours before it's too late!

Are you squinting at the screen?

2010-04-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Maybe you need a trip to the eye dr.... or could it be that you aren't quite awake yet? Or perhaps it's the thick layer of dust or the half hazard cobwebs that are crossing the website as it's been left to sit for MONTHS!

I welcome you to grab a paper towel and wipe the grime off... or if you dare blow really hard and watch the particles fly off and the spiders scurry to a new corner!!!

Ok... a friend and I have taken on a new book to read. The book is called Sacred Marriage and it's written by Gary Thomas. I just picked up the book this weekend and have read the first chapter. I'm already feeling challenged. I can tell it's going to be different than all the other marriage books - even the best ones I've read - which give you step by step how to's at how to achieve that ever allusive "perfect" marriage. The reason I'm challenged is because I rather like the step 1-6 process with guaranteed results. I like order. I like sequential systems. Perhaps it's why sometimes reading books like that left me feeling more empty, more hopeless, feeling more and more inadequate to change ME or "change my husband". After all, isn't that what we're usually after? Surely the Lord has more work to do in his heart and life than in mine.... cough cough.... sigh. If only, right? :)

This will NOT be that kind of book. It's going to be all about ME and God and working on ME.

"Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simply shatters. Mature love, the kind demanded of a good marriage must stretch, as the sinful human condition is such that all of us bear conflicting emotions.... her hatred is as real as her love is real... the reality of the human heart, the inevitability of two sinful people pledging to live together, with all their faults, for the rest of their lives...." (Sacred Marriage, pg 16-17).

The chapter goes on to talk about how we often find ourselves looking to our spouse with too many expectations. With too many ideas of how the other should and will meet our needs. And the entire point of the book is to challenge us with the question: What if God created marriage, not for our happiness, but as a means of making us more holy. What if we saw and took the opportunity in marriage as our spouse fails us (as he/she WILL do) to draw us closer to the heart of Christ and in turn our lives would reflect his likeness. Isn't that our true purpose here on this earth? Gary Thomas says, "I adopted the attitude that marriage is one of many life situations that help me to draw my sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment FROM God." (Sacred Marriage, pg. 24).

The chapter closes with the following thought. "The ultimate purpose of this book is not to make you love your spouse more - although I think that will happen along the way. It's to equip you to love your God more and to help you reflect the character of his Son more precisely."

Care to journey along? I will do my best to be candid as I write my thoughts and allow God to prune my heart... to clip away the branches that are intertwined and choking out new growth.

Ingrained

2009-07-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

So I had to chuckle yesterday as I was checking the boys room. They had been told to do some clean up and I was peeking in to see how they did. I glanced over by the boys clothes drawers and Micah's was hanging open. Inside his underwear and jammie drawer were what he would obviously consider his most prized possessions! I saw his lightsaber, new pop gun, a few stickers from his ER visit, and a few other trinkets amongst his clothes (NO WONDER the clothes never seem to fit in the drawer properly!).

In a family it's evident that some property is communal and some has a rightful owner. The older the kids get the more they desire that sense of ownership and they are becoming more territorial. Somehow, Micah knew that the best place to hide his treasures was in his underwear drawer! I mean, how funny is that?! Isn't that where we all have a little something hidden? What woman doesn't have some jewelry, cash, trinket, love letter, or something else of significance tucked away for safe keeping? And how many of us make that place our dresser drawers?!

While I initially chuckled, God also gave me a glimpse into how we so often hold the things dear to us, CLOSE. We get possessive and protective over what we consider OURS. Whether that is our money, our time, something tangible, our talents, our families, sports, habits, secrets, insecurities, pain, or even what we give in ministry. We're born with this inate sense that says "if you don't protect yourself or your things they will be destroyed". It can also, too often, hold us back from doing for God what he planned for you and I. If we hide the things God has blessesd us with, how can it benefit His kingdom? How can it encourage someone else?

Micah doesn't have any fun with his lightsaber while it's sitting next to his dinasour underwear. He has the most fun when his brothers grab their lightsabers and they can dual, chase, run, and play together. When we (you and I) choose to allow our gifts/time/money/abilities/talents to be used for God we acknowledge that we have to put it out there. There's an element of trust there that says, "Okay, Lord... here I go and I'm trusting you to use this". And the Lord never fails to amaze me! When we get to come together and move toward a common goal together, each of us giving different things to achieve that goal, God works all the details out!

How's your drawer? Are you holding on to all the things you consider dear? Tucking them away for "another day" or not allowing someone to see your strengths or weaknesses? Are you holding back something that God could use for His glory? ASK him.

I gotta admit...

2009-06-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

I've got a heavy heart this morning. You know that feeling when something lingers in your mind? The way you feel a bit sick to your stomach - almost like those nervous butterflies, except there isn't any way to know when they'll go away since there isn't any ONE event to get through to make them go away. Ick.

It's making writing more difficult to say the least. But in my ever pushing desire to be "real" here in webland - I decided it's okay to not look "together"! ha ha If you knew me in real life you'd already know that I'm not - so this is for all my cyber friends! :)

Here's something I've been chewing on the last few days. A good friend asked a group of us what the word "repent" meant. Naturally, initially my mind when flying to what I think most of us would think - saying sorry, feeling contrite, telling Jesus you'll never do "X" again - giving up something, "turning away from", etc. And while none of those are exactly wrong they weren't summing up and encompassing the word's "purpose"/meaning.

Come to find out repent has a strong tie to the word "agenda"! Trust me, it does make sense!! I googled it this morning and here's what I got from wikipedia.

"In Biblical Hebrew, the idea of repentance is represented by two verbs: שוב shuv (to return) and נחם nicham (to feel sorrow). In the New Testament, the word translated as 'repentance' is the Greek word μετάνοια (metanoia), "after/behind one's mind", which is a compound word of the preposition 'meta' (after, with), and the verb 'noeo' (to perceive, to think, the result of perceiving or observing). In this compound word the preposition combines the two meanings of time and change, which may be denoted by 'after' and 'different'; so that the whole compound means: 'to think differently after'. Metanoia is therefore primarily an after-thought, different from the former thought; a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness"."

WOAH! You mean in the process of repenting it actually means I take after or change my thoughts/direction/whathaveyou?! Who knew that the word repent had slightly different (and yet profoundly different impacts) meanings b/w the OT and the NT?! Assuming some of my readers HAVE to be smarter than me I'll give a few of the benefit of the doubt... but I'm guessing (And hoping) that some of you were like myself and didn't know!

So, lets talk about it. We're all guilty of having a natural bent to what our own flesh wants. It's that sin nature that we're literally born with! When we wake up in the morning we think about our day - about our schedule - about how we want to accomplish what WE need done for the day. We even call it our "agenda"... our schedule or our plans. It's often driving, full of details that some days leave wiggle room and other days leave little breathing room.

Besides the "physical" agenda we talk about - there's can be an "agenda" that is in our hearts. What motivates me? What gives me direction and who's direction is it? Where do I find validation? Who am I seeing validation from? Who am I hoping to please? Is it self seeking? If it self serving? Will it benefit ME or push me ahead? Is it to climb a ladder or gain power? Is it because something makes me uncomfortable? Or perhaps I'm happy with things and want to maintain and stay safe? Play the same song and dance to just keep things even keel. Maybe my agenda is to be seen; to be noticed; to gain recognition....or perhaps it's to remain invisible... to hide behind someone or something.... agenda's can be as varied as you and I are different.

The thing about agenda's is that they can be difficult to decipher. We can hold them tight - close to ourselves - and choose who we share them with.... and yet tell tale signs I think pop up along the way - giving away our agenda... dropping hints and small glimpses.

Our agendas CAN get given away by our actions and words! It's rather like the act of "bearing fruit" that the Bible talks about. A life centered in Christ and seeking HIS HOLY agenda is going to have "results" (bear fruit) and a domino affect. Our actions and words DO impact others - what we do and say IS important.

And I'll say it with lots of honesty - I'm in a re-evaluating mode in re: to my agenda. I'm doing my best to ask myself some hard questions. It can be painful...and who likes pain?! No one I know.

What I want to do is wake up - and instead of instantly thinking of my "to-do's" for the day think to what God would like my "to-do's" to look like that day. I want to ask him to direct my heart and my thoughts to the way his heart beats and they way his thoughts flow. Is there someone I need to call to encourage? Is there someone He wants me to befriend? Am I being the mom that blesses HIS name? Do my children get a picture of Jesus when they see me throughout the day? Am I eager to love on them and be with them - encouraging them to come to me - or do I shrug them aside when I'm tired or in the middle of something (like this post for example).

I'm asking that you join me in prayer. That I would see HIS agenda and that I would let go of mine - as ever changing and fluxing as it is.

This post seems rather flailing to me - must be the random thoughts bouncing around in my head...

How's your water pressure?

2009-06-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

It is hot today! So of course the kiddie pool came out and was filled for the kids. I watered desperately thirsty plants and flowers and then started to play around with the hose. Fanning it around the yard, squirting the kids, making arches of water for them to run under and through. I started seeing big fat droplets of water and small tiny droplets of water falling at the same rate and impacting the grass, ground, or bodies that didn't manage to dodge the droplets. It was beautiful. It got me to thinking...

I know it might seem like a huge stretch...but go along with me for the ride anyway, ok?

I envisioned my life as a water hose. Unhooked to the water source (Christ of course) I'm but an empty vessel without a function. Sure I have a purpose - but unattached to the water I'm ineffective. Hooked to the water source gives purpose and meaning to my hosey-ness (NEW word! ding ding ding!). I all the sudden have something to give. Something to share. Some way to give to those without water. As my heart and will becomes closer to Christs the water pressure increases and I have more to give. The more Christ fills me - the more bursts forth from me.

Uncontainable joy and the ability to stretch and reach far from my boundaries! What a glorious feeling!

Then I was reminded of the problem with hoses! We drag them around with us, they wind up around objects or even themselves and the water pressure becomes less and less. Sometimes the water flow is cut off completely and we're no longer able to be vessels that produce beauty or passion or purpose. Sometimes it's just one lil kink in the line and soon we're back in the flow. Sometimes it requires back tracking, untangling the path we took ourselves down, and making a NEW and more direct path with our hose - so as to open up God's blessings so that He can refill us to brimming.. and one again we can pour out His love and joy, kindness and goodness.

Sin in our lives can kink our hose. It can stop of the flow of Christ through us to the world. We can become so cut off that sometimes we don't even feel his presense in our life.... but just like a hose - once we remove the kink or tangle - His love is there ready to burst forth. That love has just been waiting....the pressure building and eager to be released... gushing, rambunctious, and a driven love... Yup, he loves you that much. So much that he will simply wait for you.... as long as it takes.

Checking in with everybody!

2009-05-31T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, how is everyone tonight? It's night here - though likely it'll not be night for you when you read this... regardless... it isn't important! HOW ARE YOU? I like to think that we are having a dialogue somehow - even though it tends to be quite one sided... I do imagine you nodding your head, laughing, or even tearing up as I share about stuff... or challenge you with stuff... or just as God leads your heart to become sensitive. If ever, at any time in my blogging journey, God uses me to bring you closer to Him... what an honor and privilege that would be. All glory to Him!

So, I've asked how you are... and I imagine you saying, "And you? How are YOU tonight?!"

Oh thanks for asking! (I promise I only hear a "few" voices in my head.. most days! HA HA)

big breath.

Actually... to be honest... it changes from day to day. I know that's normal, so that's why I feel it safe to be honest here. I know many of you are overwhelmed with motherhood and life and marriage and your journey with Christ. And pile on that, the guilt that we can have when we "feel" we shouldn't be overwhelmed with those sorts of things!

Church blessed me today. The worship got into my heart and just resonated and echoed and literally sent me to my knees in worship! It's great when you sit in the front row b/c you have lots of room to just kneel in sweet adoration! Can you imagine kneeling in a pew row! I'd surely smack my forehead on the pew infront of me and surely be stuck there! Ack! What a sweetness to feel the freedom to worship in a style that isn't common at our church and to be blessed without feelings of embarrassment! In all reality, I think few people even realized I was on my knees... which isn't the point anyway! I digress. I even stuck around for the next service and worshipped a 2nd time to the music - this time on my feet tho ;) It makes no difference to my Jesus and I love that. Just like my worship when I'm in despair and my worship when I'm filled with JOY - both mean the world to him. And in all reality the posture of my body is far less important than the posture of my heart. For some, the body posture in worship can get in the way of true heart worship. For others, body posture can sometimes lead their hearts into submission.... don'tcha love how we're all different?! At the heart of it all though.. we're simply called to worship. Love that.

I came home from church feeling still in my heart. After lunch the kids watched a movie and I read from my newest book, "They like Jeus but not the church" by Dan Kimball. What a great book! I'm only on page 80 so far... but God is using his words to challenge me!! I'm excited to read more this evening and more tomorrow!!! As I keep goin, perhaps I'll share some thoughts with you...

House Cleaning

2009-05-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

So, today I've been working in the master bedroom. If your room looks like mine it gets the left over random stuff tossed in on the bed or dresser, while the door gets quickly shut. It gives the perfect impression that the living room is clean; therefore the house is clean. WRONG! HA!

A random old TV is coming out today. A couple random computer boxes of misc. parts and pieces are coming out. A few loads of laundry are coming out (and of course going back in.. clean and folded..ironed...? nah! lets not get TOO crazy!).

IN, went a small bookshelf - to hold the books that have been in a big ole tote. As I took them out I decided it was necessary to purge out some titles. Not because they were bad books.... but because it was time to simplify, and not hold on to books with the "hope" that i'd finish them. Or allow the guilt of "I should be reading 'that' one again" to drive to pick up the book - only to remember why it didn't hold my interest the first time! (wink!) SOOOOOO..... I pulled off about 8 books that I just don't "need" anymore! What a liberating feeling! I'm often full of "someday, i'll use that" or "someday i'll read it", and "someday that will change my life!"... Almost as if I'm in bondage to that book shelf. NO MORE! :) A select few went back up...besides being less to visually look at, it feels "lighter" to my spirit too.

I've not only been doing physical inventory in my home...but working to do it in my heart as well. That's far more painful that chucking a few books out. And yet, in the end the feeling is the same... a lightness to my spirit that confirms that God and I are doing well.

How about you? Are there things in your life that you tell yourself are "good" and yet you feel tied to them by obligation or because it just seems like what you're supposed to do? Or maybe there are poor habits in your life ... or choices that aren't going to lead where God wants to take you... would you be ready to look "that" in the eye and chuck it?

God... I'm weary

2009-05-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

Ever had those moments? Ok, who am I kidding? Ever had those days/weeks/months?! You'll find yourself not only closing the door to the bathroom off your master bedroom, but also the door to your room as well! As if, 2 closed doors between you and the world that is your life, will make it somehow more manageable for you to breathe......deeply....slowly....purposefully... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.....

It's kinda been where I've been hiding the last month. Between all the roles that we as women (humans) pile on ourselves I have had moments of complete flailing. Trust me, it hasn't been pretty nor attractive.

In an effort to sort through things God has been taking me on a journey. We're far from kicking off our sandles and calling it a wrap - which trust me, is a comfort because I'm not ready to stay "here" forever!

So, bear with me, if you would... while God and I talk and work through some things. It might look messy. It might not look like your life at all - or you might just wonder how I knew so much about you.

Truth is.. we're all on a journey. I'd welcome it if you'd walk with me.

"A Gift of Grace" by Amy Clipston

2009-04-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

IT IS A MUST READ, if you're looking for a book to kick back and read with leisure!!! I found myself pulled into the relationship dynamics and really enjoyed the unique perspective it was written from! I can't wait to read the rest of they series now!!! Amy Clipston did an awesome job! Her books can be found on AMAZON and they're on SALE right now! Hurry over and grab one - or two - or ten... share them with friends!!! Check out AMY'S blog if you have a minute as well!!

And to read more reviews of this book click HERE.

(And, again... this is a book that I read and reviewed as part of a blog tour. They sent me the book for free to read in return for a review and some awesome "pass it on" kind of action :) I've already given the book to a friend to read!!! If you want more info on becoming a part of a blog tour then shoot me a msg!)

2009-04-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today is Good Friday. Today is the day that Christ took the long walk to surrender his life. It was his day to fulfill prophecy and to fulfill the Father's plan. What an act of sacrifice. Some days the power of the cross hits me more deeply than others. Today is one of those days.

Looking into my heart I can so easily see the filth, the pride, the sin, the greed, the lust for what others have and I am lacking in, the selfishness, the self centeredness, and the judgemental thoughts I have.... the list goes on and on. I'm brought to tears in amazement that he would take on the cross for me.

And then I am saddened by how easily I forget the road he walked. When I forget the nails that pierced his hands and feet.. the thorns that drew blood to his head... and the spear that bled pure water from his side.

Take a listen to the following song, if you would. It's by Francesa Bastistelli.
Click the play arrow (remember to press pause on the playlist)
They lyrics are posted below so you can read along.
Praying you're as blessed as I have been this morning.

Time In Between - Francesca Battistelli

"Time In Between" Lyrics

by Francesca Battistelli | from the album My Paper Heart

You were there when your Father said
Let there be light
You obeyed when He whispered
Son, You have to leave tonight
To spend nine months in a mothers womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb

(Chorus One)
But it’s the time in between
That brings me to my knees
Knowing you came for me
And all that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank You for the time in between

Don't take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

(Chorus Two)
But it’s the time in between
That I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring
And the things that I can't see
I know my song’s incomplete
Still I'll sing in the time in between

So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all

(Chorus 3)
But it’s the time in between
The middle of two thieves
That says everything
It’s the reason I believe
I'm amazed, so amazed
And I thank you for the time in between
Oh Lord, I thank you for the time in between

"Flickering Pixels" thoughts

2009-04-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm still not done with the book. BUT, a few things have stood out to me. The biggest so far has led me to ask myself the following question: Does technology SERVE me or do I serve technology?

Strange question, you say?

Well, yes it is. But let me explain a little bit. Hipps speaks about how often we get confused by technology... and that often we start to find our identity in forms of technology, instead of simply seeing technology as an extension of ourselves. Some examples he gives:

"The telephone extends and amplifies the voice and the ear. Eyeglasses extend the focusing ability of the eye. Weapons, such as guns or knives, are extensions of our teeth and our fists. Smoke detectors extend our sense of smell and also amplify our feelings of security. Even a method of organizing information, such as an outline, is a meduim because it extends the mind's ability to comprehend and recall complex topics."

Hipp's goes on to say, "When we fail to perceive that the things we create are extensions of ourselves, the created things take on god-like characteristics and we become their servants."

So, maybe that seems extreme huh?

Hmm.. maybe, maybe not. What's generally one of the first things I do in the morning? I turn on my computer. I check my email. I leave not only my email but also my facebook account, and another web bulletin board that I frequent, up in different tabls all day long. I walk by and check in almost everytime I walk by my computer. What's the last thing I do before going to bed? I check ONE last time... for new mail, new posts, a new thread to comment on. Sometimes, I'll be thinking about my interactions on the computer than I think about my interactions with people "in real life" (IRL). When I allow my mind and my thoughts to get overly consumed with the computer and my TIME starts being overly wasted on the internet - how is that using the computer for my benefit. At that point, it's no longer just an extension of my senses... it's become a god. It's become a passion. It's become and obsession. It's become "who" I am. It's tearing me away from my wife and mom responsibilites.

So the computer's evil?! OF COURSE not! :)

It's in how we view it. It's in how we balance it. It's in HOW we see ourselves. It's personal to each of us - and will be different for each of us. Just another way we're all unique.

But a great reminder for ME. I want technology to serve ME and the gifts God's given me...(medians of writing, developing relationships etc). I do not want to feel enslaved to technology and feed the monster of self gratification. Once again - it's NOT about me. It's about HIM.

Got any thoughts on this? Are you in control of your position with technology in your world? What would be the median you're struggling with?

Cherry Blossoms

2009-04-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

While I've always admired the beauty of cherry blossoms, they hold new meaning to me now. I've been a reader of the blog "Bring the Rain" for over a year now. When I joined Angie on her blog I immediately loved her and felt connected to her! She's got that ability to reach beyond the computer monitor and grab your hearts and just pull you close to hers! Really! If you haven't spent any length of time on her blog you are really missing out!

Anyway... today, April 7th, would have been Audrey's 1st birthday. For weeks I've been looking for flowering cherry trees all over the valley. It just "so happens" that I got to the grocery this morning without my money OR the list!! GROAN! So, I had to turn around and go home. I went a different route home, HOPING and praying God would show me the perfect tree! And, HE DID!!!! I drove by a tree/plant nursery and there was ONE lil tree just waiting for it's photo op! :) I went home, grabbed my money, list, AND the camera and drove back to the nursery. I unloaded the 3 kids and snapped a few pictures!

Happy Birthday Audrey! I know you're sittin' on His lap today soakin' in HIS Love and having a really amazing day! And just so ya know, everytime I see a flowering cherry tree I think of you and your mommy!!!

Blog Tour Time

2009-04-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

SO, I thought I'd throw out a little bit of basic info on the book that I'm reading.

"Flickering Pixels", by Shane Hipps. You can review or buy it on Amazon here.

Just so you know, for transparency sake, the book was sent to me, free of charge for my willingness to participate in the blog tour! What a great way to read some new stuff and to get the word out about a great new book!! Win win situation if ya ask me :)

You can also find LOTS of info about Shane Hipps at his own personal website.

I'm hoping to post some thoughts tomorrow... :)

For your viewing pleasure

2009-04-05T22:58:00.001-07:00

weathered and worn
layered and torn
peeling and shorn
underlying beauty adorn

aged and worn
cobwebbed keyhole
weathered and forgotten
time's taken it's toll

reflections in the pane
whisper of the wind again
leaves and branches
to and fro
memories of a time long ago

spring leaves
new color
great promises
new tomorrows
great strength
from cold yesterdays
bright beauty revealed

day's done
night falls
sun farewells
shadows fall
sun kissed
goodnight

tired mama

2009-04-05T22:22:00.001-07:00

What a week it's been. If I ever thought I was a sympathetic mommy, this week definitely proves me wrong. So, my hubby and I got a way for a weekend not long ago. We were eager to get home to our kids as we really missed them; though we relished the moments we had alone as well!

Upon returning home, I started to come down with a nasty cold going around. Previously to going on our trip I had been sick and then dealt with 5th's disease's ugly rash and joint pain. No fun, let me tell you! Since coming home, my cold has gotten worse, my 22 month old little guy has run fever, leaked snot all over me, and has as of today started rashing out (5th's). My oldest spiked a fever this morning of 103. His temperature waxed and waned throughout the day and sent him to bed at 7 pm (due to his own request) with 103.5. Thankfully, just 30 minutes ago he came out, drenched in sweat and in need of a drink. Thank you Jesus! Hopefully in the morning he'll still be fever free.

With 2 other kiddo's here at home... I'm just waiting for them to turn up sick here in the next few days. It WAS going to a be a pretty busy week - but God may be clearing my schedule! Sometimes plan B is better than plan A!

While dealing with sick kids and being sick myself, I have found myself speaking to my kids in such an ugly manner. Sarcasm has returned and the tone of disappointment, frustration, and irritation has reared their ugly heads too. I hate it when I allow myself to stoop so low as to speak that way to my children. It's like I can hear what I'm saying and almost "watch" myself in 3rd person when a tirade comes on... and yet the words continue to spew. Where's that duct tape when it's needed?! I sure needed it today. :(

Inspite of the ugly in me, my kids seek me out, knowing the good that's in my heart... they still want me to play with them, hold them, meet their needs. They still long for my touch and my encouragement and they are eager to please and seek my approval. What a humbling thing. To know you've just been nothing but awful - and to have your child's small arms come up, wrap around your waist and say "I love you, mommy." OIY!

"Thank you Father for the way you shape a child's heart. Let me NOT take their unconditional love for granted. GUARD my mouth and my actions tomorrow, Father. I want to only use my words for building up and for loving my family. And thank you too, Lord.. for loving me inspite of my "ugly". For seeing the good in me when sometimes all I project is impure. I am so undeserving of your grace... and yet you extend it... so undeserving of your presense...and yet you come... so undeserving of the sacrifice of your son...and yet to sent him anyway... i am thankful. so desperately thankful ..."

Not to suddenly switch gears but i do want you to know i'm excited to do some book reviewing this week! SO... stay tuned.... for my thoughts on "FLICKERING PIXELS" by Shane Hipps.

Couple things!

2009-04-01T23:32:00.000-07:00

Be sure to continue to check MckMama's blog and continue to fall at our Father's feet and ask for His kind mercy!! MckMama states in her latest blog entry that she's in "survival mode"... and you can hear how incredibly tired she is. I don't pretend to REALLY understand what's up with lil Stellan's heart - but you can HEAR MckMama's heartbeat through her words and I know you won't be able to read her posts and not feel connected to her and wanna just grab her cute face through the screen and love on her! So go check it out.

Also, I'm reading a new book to do a review and participate in another blog tour. I'm excited to really dive into this book! I've tip toed along through the first few chapters and I am eager to really get into it. Between a sick hubby and now feeling cruddy myself, reading usually sends me off to lala land! But... I really hope to gain something out of this book - :) It's called "Flickering Pixels" and I guarantee MORE is to come! By the way, should you want to participate in a "blog tour" it consists of signing up, having a book be sent to you (FREE!), READ the book, write up your thoughts and share them on your blog, share and talk about the book everywhere you can (twitter, facebook, blog, email, bulletin board communities, IN REAL LIFE.. that's always an option! HA!), write up reviews on Amazon or the like. It's fun! :) You get to read new stuff and feel like a part of the process in promoting GOOD stuff! So, if you're interested leave a comment and I can direct you to a blog tour coordinator.

Spring Break. Ok, I know this post is crazy spacy all over the place. It's just I feel the need to catch up on a few things and so it's rather random. My apologies. It's spring break and my hubby and oldest son are home! Can I just say... it's been awesome! Probably one of THE BEST break times we've had as a family so far. Granted the hubbers an I were gone for 3 days... ha ha ha ... We were able to run off for a few nights together and leave the 4 kids, cat and dog HOME with my wonderful mother in law! Oh, what a blessing! But we came home a day early b/c we missed our kids and our comfy bed! HA! It's bad when sleeping in your OWN bed trumps an additional night away ALONE with the HOT hubster! hee hee hee... We got home late and were so excited to see our kids faces when they came into our room - fully expecting to find Grandma in our bed and it was US... their faces were PRICELESS! (HUGE SILLY GRIN!)

Yawn. it's nearly midnight. I'm truly losing it to even be up this late. I've had a migraine most of the day - along with sinus pressure, stuffed up nose, and sore glands/throat! Time to hit the sack! 'Night all! :)

Prayers needed!

2009-03-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

To the right in my side bar you will see a box with an adorable lil guy in it! His name is Stellan! He is the son of a fellow Blogger that many of you may know as MckMama! Please visit her blog My Charming Kids to learn more about Stellan and the incredible journey God has brought their family through!! And please leave comments of encouragement and prayer if you feel led!!!

Spring Time!

2009-03-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

To say it's been quiet here in blog land would be an understatement! And it really isn't even because life's been all that busy! I've not made it a priority and not been asking the Lord what he'd like to me talk about. I plan to change that soon!

Honestly, I think in my effort to keep this blog all about God - I somehow put unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure that every word I wrote would somehow impart some lil tidbit of wisdom - sent directly from the Father through "lil ole me". Ahem, cough cough.. nothin' like a lil pride, eh? Oh pride is a ruthless and destructive weed! I think in every attempt to be honest and open and vulnerable - there lurks that desire for affirmation. I don't think that "desire to please" is BAD. I think looking for it in the wrong PLACES is bad! We were made for relationships by God... and hand in hand with relationships comes building one another up!! God wants us to seek HIS affirmation... and NO one elses! So, I will be seeking to find MINE in him!

It rather makes me think of the new puppy we got last week. Hooper is about 8 weeks old and is EAGER to please! But it takes him focus. He is so easily distracted by the kids, or a new scent - the next door neighbor dogs, the windchime outside, and that crusty cheerio that was missed by the broom this morning! And yet, deep within Hooper is a desire to be trained. A desire to be molded into a good dog. A desire to PLEASE and find praise from him master! And it isn't because Hooper wants to put himself above his master or on equal ground with his master. It's because Hooper wants a loving relationship with his master. A relationship with boudaries, trust, comraderie, companionship, and LOVE!

Isn't that the kind of relationship you want with YOUR Father? I know I do. It's a process though! All too often, I'm a hyper distracted daughter - easily swayed and influenced by the words, actions, opinions and ideas of others ... when all I should be doing is keeping my eyes on my Master... waiting for His direction, staying close by His side, walking with Him and enjoying our friendship.

So here's to a NEW DAY :)

Daisy Chain by Mary E. DeMuth

2009-03-16T08:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm actually late in getting on the ball with my review of this book! ACK! My sincere apologies to Mary and her staff. When I first got my book "Daisy Chain" in the mail I eagerly opened it and started reading it that day. It quickly had me HOOKED! Being the mother of 4 kids, I had to put it down and finding time to pick it back up has been challenging. But, I am happy to say I'm most of the way through the book!! It is good - though I often found my eyes swimming across the page - but I am sure that's due to the timing of my reading (ur.. uh.. 11 pm?!) and NOT the ability of the author!!

I got this link from a friend. So watch it and then go buy, borrow, or check out "Daisy Chain" from the library!

Faith Under Pressure

2009-03-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

God put it on my heart to blog today. It was one of those nudges you feel, and yet you feel a little unprepared to follow through. You know, where you feel like you should say something, do something, etc. and yet the words certainly aren't there and you feel completely inadequate to do the job. And yet your compelled to obey.

So I said, okay Lord.

I asked him where to go in scripture and he sent me to James, chapter 1.

Uh, you sure Lord? This is heavy stuff.

Just do it, daughter.

(BIG BREATH!)

James 1 (The Message)
vs 2-4 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, NOT deficient in any way.

I like the phrase "faith-life". To me it gives a picture of action... living, moving, choices, and the day to day "grind" that life can sometimes be. Our faith-life is lived outloud every day - sometimes we forget, sometimes it's muffled, sometimes it's speaking loudly .... and not always in forms of integrity. Under life's "muck" I think we can often default to a "norm" or to a habit or to what's familiar. When it comes RIGHT down to it, how you respond in moments of crisis and challenges is reflective of your walk with the Lord. That isn't to say that freaking out, having moments of panic, or doubt makes us less of a Christ follower. But if we lock ourselves into a mindset that isn't honoring, a mindset that doesn't allow God to show himself to us - AND to those watching... then we've shown that deep down.. we aren't willing to TRUST in Him.

How often when a situation comes up that makes us uncomfortable; do we wrack our brains and quickly try to come up with a way out, a solution, an answer. How often are we on the phone within minutes, seeking advice, guidance or just a "listening ear"? When was the last time we got blind sited and said, "Ok Lord, this isn't fun... but I'm sure there's an ultimate purpose and I'm sure you are going to work this out for your good - you do promise that to me - and i'm trusting to believe it. I think we PRAY that God removes our circumstances, we PRAY that he delivers us, heals us, fixes us - or those hurting us... when really i think we should be be praying...STRENGTHEN me through this, give me joy through this, USE this, stay close to me through this, give me peace through this, and help me to see "this" for what it is and be hopeful for the time that it's over. Don't you think that would change our prayer lives significantly? Asking God to walk us through the hard times instead of magically plucking us OUT of those hard times.

Verse 4 says, Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, NOT deficient in any way.

WOW. Let the pain mature you, shape you, develop you.... and in turn you will NOT be deficient or lacking in anything. When I listen to people speak about the rough times in their lives, I sit in awe when they go on to say, "and i wouldn't have had it any other way!". There's always a reflection about how if they hadn't been brought thru the trials, they wouldn't be the person they are today - they wouldn't have the faith, the love, the intimacy with God, the trusting and whole hearted abandonment to HIS will.... I love it. And I want what they have... but a little voice in me sometimes whispers, "but i want that without all that pain they went through Lord... just give me the goods without the other stuff". Surely I'm not alone in that. :)

Verse 12 goes along with that, and I'll close soon, I promise.
Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.

That peace, that reassurance, that JOY.... it's from sticking it out. For being loyally in love with God.. In love through every up and down, no matter WHAT is going on in life. I pray that I can find the strength to ask God to just walk with me through life's next big hurdle... and that I not just beg away that he remove me and hurry up the process. But that my heart would be ready to be molded as circumstances come.

That's MY King

2009-02-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

The Sun Brings Out the Best In ME

2009-02-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was this breath of fresh air! The sun was up and doing his job... sending us all that vitamin D and making the world seem bright and happy. My bedroom is on the north/westish side of the house so the sun rise never directly streams through my windows...something I love about mornings :) and something that keeps my room oh so cool in the summer .. love it.

So, the sunshine makes me happy. I was productive and got lots of housey type work done yesterday and yet felt relaxed and at peace. I decided that after the baby's nap (i'm calling him a baby UNTIL he's 2 yo! I just have to, he's my last one!) we'd take a walk to the nearby park. I texted with my hubby and he said he and Noah would would meet us there after school. What a perfect afternoon. I tell you, I even wore capri's and flip-flops! The flip flops were the only regret! In the shade at the park they started to freeeeze!

I just Love the sunshine - though I can't say i LOVE it HOT.. A nice 75 is just perfect, with a light breeze, nothing too wild, just here and there a light breeze. Perfect. T-shirt weather, pony tails, and sunglasses. A good book, a glass of ice tea (sun-tea all the way baby!) and kids laughter as they run crazy in the backyard! awww....

I'm so nostalgic for such weather as it's bee a long enough winter for me. I have been thankful at the absense of snow - we really haven't had that much over long period's of time...OH thank you Jesus! But the cold foggy days did seem to drag on, day after day, as if threatening to never go away.

I think so often we find ourselves in a spiritual fog as well. Things get cloudy. We don't look to the "SON" and things seem fuzzy, cold, dark, lonely, uncomfortable, and it's easy for us to hole up and "wait for spring". As if one day our relationship with God will morph into this thing of beauty and growth. Ever find yourself in that place? I have. We know life's better with the SON, we know things make sense, things seem easier to handle, life seems to have purpose, and our minds seem clearer... and yet our human inclination can so often be doom and gloom... and our eyes and expectations become at war with our heart and we lose the battle. We lose the nerve or the drive to just STAY IN TH SONLIGHT.

Life gets busy - life changes. Refer back to all the "season" posts I had. God knows and expects our life to go through it's transitions. The only thing he asks and hopes and longs for is that we keep Him with us at all times. That we turn to him, ask him to open our eyes, to "turn the light" on for us, and to be our forever, faithful, fearless friend and Father.

The sun brings out the best in my mood.
And the SON brings out the best in my heart.

Bedtime reading

2009-02-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Before I settle in for a night's sleep (I was going to say "long" nights sleep... but let's face it, it's NEVER long!) I usually grab a book and read a chapter or two. Right now I'm reading "Ordinary MOM Extraordinary GOD" by Mary DeMuth. http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Mom-Extraordinary-God-Encouragement/dp/0736915001

It's full of short, easy to read chapters... yet packed with powerful words that get your heart thinking at the end of the day. The other night I read her chapter titled "The Secret of Secrets". Mary, writes about how secrets are often intimate details, saved for the closest few in your life. Often secrets are shared between no more than 2 people. They are private, intimate conversations that include vulnerability and honesty.

Mary went on to talk about 4 aspects of secrets. I'll briefly summarize them b/c they really made me go .. "Hmmm".

1. God confides in those who fear him.
Not the kind of fear that makes us quake in our boots, immobilized by terror. But the kind of the fear that causes us to stop, revere, be in awe of, and respect! I picked a key phrase from her passage and it was this; "It's important to choose intimacy with Him over busyness." Which means, if it means leaving dishes overnight, or NOT working out this afternoon, or saying "no" to what would only be an obligation and not a joy to do.... DO it. God delights in our presence and he cares most about the condition of our hearts. And if our hearts are not beating as one with His... there's WAY too much chance for us to wander.

2. God's secrets are His delight.
Do you know what delights His heart? Really know? Or just "think" you know from what you've learned about God all these years?! Do you really know His heart. I know I'm still getting to know His heart. I want to feel directly how his heart feels. I want to embrace the joy, feel the sorrow ... truly have my "eyes" opened and discover his delights. To do this, I can't simply "check -in" ever so briefly and then "check out" and "check OFF" my "God time" for the day. God isn't something to be crossed off my list, "yup, got time with the Big Man in, now i'm good til tomorrow...". No way. That is false intimacy.

3. God see's in secret.
God sees the condition of our heart. Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I have this posted in my kitchen. I long to keep my heart pure and in a way that pleases HIM. Daily I fail and then start over. I easily judge or condemn in my heart.. my actions not necessarily following, but my heart is not always in a place that shows respect for someone, which in turn shows a lack of respect for God. If I'm holding on to a grudge or having feelings that dishonor HIM, He can't come to me in an intimate manner and share His delight or His joy. If my heart is full of filth - there's no room for Him. Daily, sometimes moment to moment, I have to ask Him to clean and purge from my heart the things that don't belong. And then HE has room to come in, fill me up and just "BE"!

4. God rewards secret things.
OH, how he finds pleasure in the secret things that honor Him. How He loves a heart that doesn't flaunt or do it's "goodness" for applause. He see's all things and when a heart,set on LOVING him and Loving people, silently acts in amazing ways... His heart nearly explodes. I'm sure of it. The sacrificial acts of motherhood bring JOY to His heart. The world rarely see's... even some close to us don't often "get it" or understand... and yet God see's every boo-boo kissed, every meal cooked, ever diaper changed, every hug and smooch, and story read. He see's the mother that puts her needs to the back burner to provide, to love, to GIVE to her family and HE SEE'S it...

After I read this chapter the other night, I wrote down some questions for myself.

1. Does God save secret joys to whisper to me? When was the last time I heard one?

2. Do I give him TIME to reveal His heart?

3. Do I have the integrity of a woman bent on loving and obeying the Lord?

AND my challenge to myself: BE still and listen. LISTEN. Write down His secret JOY when he reveals it to me.

Multi-tasking mumblings

2009-02-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

i've lost 40 sticks of butter.

you heard me.

40 sticks of butter... or otherwise known as 10 pounds.

i've been noticing and acknowledging in my personal life the times that I would turn to food for entertainment, comfort, companionship, BOREDOM, etc.

HABIT.. that's another one. I caught myself countless times this last month with the urge to grab, nibble, lick, sneak, or stuff my face with food. Sometimes, the moment that the temptation was there would take me by surprise - other times I'd see it up on the horizon and be anticipating it as it drew near... all the while pep talking myself and preparing myself to make the right choice.

I found it harder this last month to make the time for pure "communion" with Christ. I found my heart and mind focused on my desire to be successful in my quest for losing weight and becoming physically healthy. Should I have to exam myself.. i'd need to say my heart health probably slid a little this month.

Why does it have to be so difficult? Fleshly thoughts and attitudes come natural and have that way of "justifying" themselves... all the while God is gently calling me to take the high road.. to look to Him, to find satisfaction, completion, and peace in HIM in all circumstances.

and yet...the beauty of the moments of tempation was when HE gave me the strength to walk away from the food that would momentarily satisfy me. And everytime I stayed strong, He rewarded me on the scales. He rewarded my effort to look to HIM, to recognize the times when I'd have previously unconsciously looked away from His will and sought out after my own.

I guess in retrospect, I felt like the last month was a bit lonely in my dialogue with my Father, and yet, I think he was just walking with me, lending His hand for the moments when my foot was close to faltering.

What an amazing daddy.. that he'd be faithful. That he'd be forever patient and that he'd find joy in HELPING me through the choices I have to make everyday.

And to some, they may seem insignificant in magnitude. But when HE gives me strength to turn away from food, I get excited... b/c to me it shows His power at work. It shows HIS strength in my weakness.

Distracted

2009-01-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody.... it's been about a week or so since I sat down to jot some thoughts down. Honestly, it's been a week of distractions and I'm afraid my heart hasn't been as intentional on listening to the spirit. But God was faithful to me and did not remain silent. Amazing that He pursues me, while my mind and heart can find other things to dwell on.

So, here's the deal. Right now I'm in a serious season in my personal life. I'm in a season of retaking back my health; in the sense of wanting to be the healthiest person that I can be. At first I was thinking of this purely in the physical sense as in losing weight, toning up, and being thin. As long as I can remember my weight has been something that lingers in the back of mind and seems present in every situation and place. I know it affects how I carry myself, my self esteem and my interactions with others. After being on lots and lots of diets and strugging with this my whole life, it's become quite obvious that it's more than a physical issue! Duh, right?! :)

Well, last week I sort of hit that "place" (i think it's this elusive place.. different for every person!) where i said, "ENOUGH". So mentally the last week I have been focusing on my eating and making better choices, trying to get a few days of exercise and asking HIM to show me my bad habits and to help me get to the bottom of them. I asked God to be my partner on this ride. i KNOW I will fail miserably without Him.

HOWEVER, I'm frustrated because I put so much effort mentally and physically into that area of my life - I allowed my one on one time with the Lord to become lacking. I let my thoughts go to, "I hope when i stand on the scales I see results" instead of "man, Jesus, what are you gonna show me today!?"

I was sitting here at the computer yesterday and it hit me. We've got to exercise all areas of our lives. We've got physical muscles that have to be moved and toned. It involves repetition, determination, consistency, increasing the poundage as your muscles grow stronger, and feeding your body what it needs best to function at 100%.

Our spiritual muscles have to be stretched too!!! Sometimes God allows circumstances that show us NEW muscles that we didn't know existed (our bodies have felt that before too!!!!!!!!!!!!). We're given opportunities to repeat and repeat and again, repeat things so that we can become stronger in our convictions, stronger in our beliefs, and stronger in our faith. Without determination and consistency it's easy to be lax, to become apathetic and to become "luke warm" in our approach to God. In order to NOT allow those things to happen, I HAVE to be feeding on His word, pumping in His views of me. Believing it when HE tells me that I am His prize, that I am his JOY, that He finds me beautiful. I have to hold on to His hand on the journey. He's rooting for me. And not because He'll love me more on the other side of it. But because He gets the joy of running with me and becuase He wants the best for me.

So, while I've been a tad silent... God has not. And I've been reluctant to share - because it puts me in a SERIOUS place of vulnerability. But, accountability and honesty are KEY in this process and with God, I will succeed. And I can't wait to give him some AWESOME glory!

At arms length

2009-01-21T13:27:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been rougher in the mommy department. Honestly, things have probably been rougher in the communication department with my husband as well. And come to think of it, my connection with God sort of hit a busy signal (on MY end, NOT His!).

The common denominator?

ME.

Hmmm... when life starts getting overwhelmed and relationships start to feel strained and things just aren't running as smoothly as normal or expected, we often start the blame game right? Pass the buck off to somebody else who dropped the ball, or blame our choices/actions/reactions to circumstances. If so'n'so hadn't done "____" then I wouldn't have been so defensive, or angry, or combative, or short tempered. I wonder if God ever watches me and wonders, "Will she ever get it?!"

So, when I get in this funk - I'm not sure what else to call it but that. It's a season of "offness" where nothing seems "right". It's not always a long period of time - though some times last longer than others. Anyway, when I'm in this funk, I often have LITTLE patience and generally want to be left alone. I don't want things to be asked of me, I don't want to be criticized (hey, who does?!), or reminded of what I'm lacking. I don't want to be touched, malled, hugged, or called ("mommy, moomy, moooom, mom, mama.....") a hundred times.

This week my 20 month old was fussing and came to my leg while I was in the kitchen. The grabbing at my pant leg, the moanful wails started, and his intention were fully expressed. He wanted up and he wanted UP right away. I think I sort of shook my leg - as if he was a dog at my feet that i could shoo away and rather sternly said, "No Joey!". Which insued MORE tears, more wails and only intensified grabbing and mauling of my leg. I could feel the frustration building up in me. "I just want to be left alone!" was all I could think.

And then I heard it inside...soft...but firm in it's intent, "Do I hold you at arms length?"

WOAH?!

"Lord, c'mon. You know you have more patience than me. You can handle me when I come to you. I'm human. I can get irritated."

"Excuses then are your fallback?"

It was painful. I was holding my son at arms length. I wasn't letting him in. I was dismissing him, too deep in my own pit of wallowment (my new word of the day! HA!) I was choosing to be cold and to react in a way that hurt my son. Ouch.

I got a glimpse, once again of God's amazing LOVE. It continues to surprise me how God is showing himself to me as I walk through the journey of motherhood. He never hold his heart back from me. What a promise of safety and security.

Recently I've come across a newer artist and I've been listening to her album on the web. Her name is Francesca Battistelli and I think she's awesome. If you go to her website http://www.francescamusic.com/ you can llisten to her WHOLE album!! It's full of great songs... but one that I find running through my head (and i'm sure it's NOT coincidence!) is "It's Your Life".

"It's Your Life" Lyrics

by Francesca Battistelli | from the album My Paper Heart

This is the moment
It’s on the line
Which way you gonna fall?
In the middle between
Wrong and right
But you know after all

(Chorus)
It’s your life
What you gonna do?
The world is watching you
Every day the choices you make
Say what you are and who
Your heart beats for
It’s an open door
It’s your life

Are you who you always said you would be?
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting for someone else to fix you
Tell me when did you forget

(Chorus)

To live the way that you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way
(Chorus)

What a reminder to me... the world is watching, yes... but even MORE so, God is watching. And not because He's out to get me, but because he LOVES me and cares about the choices I make. And even more, He's patiently waiting for me to invite Him in and help ME in making decisions that honor HIM and His name.
What's God whispering to you these days?? Got something to share? I'd love to hear from you!!!

Just one foot forward in my blogging journey

2009-01-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

It was less than 2 months ago that I started writing my thoughts here on my blog. It's been an amazing place for me to just ramble and "think". My friendship with Jesus has grown and my understanding of HIM and His love has deepened. What a precious gift to me.

The other night I was blog browsing some familiar blogs to me and then saw a link to a blog I'd been recommended to read. It was http://www.aholyexperience.com/ (Ann Voskamp). I read a few posts on her page and was looking around and saw the High Calling Blogs badge in the side bar. Out of curiosity I clicked it!

Wow, what a great idea! High Calling Blogs is an amazing site (that I'm still learning to navigate!) that encourages bloggers with like Faith to share and network and encourage each other. A true community! Surely, this was a place I could fit in!

As a new "public" blogger I often feel like my blog is just sort of out there floating around in cyber space. I never know who is reading (unless they comment) or who God is touching with the words He gives to me. I am also keenly aware that my writing is simple and has a lot of room for growth - in style, technique, depth, grammatically, and the list goes on. I want to find a balance in having a blog that is done with enough quality that it is not distracting with flaws, yet has it's fullest potential met in glorifying God.

So, I joined High Calling Blogs! (http://www.highcallingblogs.com/) I am so excited to make some new friends and LEARN LEARN LEARN. And humbly hoping that God can use me in the big world of cyberspace.

The Broken

2009-01-17T23:27:00.001-08:00

I saw this video tonight and found it amazing. It speaks for itself, so for tonight, I'll be silent.

(be sure to hit pause on the music to the right before pushing the play arrow in the video)

It's against my nature

2009-01-16T12:47:00.000-08:00

So, being direct has never been something I've been gifted at being. Should I want something you'll often find me, setting the stage, giving the background, defending my request that hasn't even been "requested" yet! Ask my husband. It drives him crazy.

It could sound something like this (me speaking to Eric, my husband).

"So, remember back when I told you about Lucy and the thing she was going through with the kids and how it was affecting her job? And then she had this other thing happen in her extended family. Well, now her husband had this work thing, which then meant she had to miss this fun thing, which now means that the time she and I had set up to meet can't happen. She's really upset and disappointed and I really think that she needs a friend right now and it's been on my heart to reach out to her.... It's just so sad. I've been praying for her and hoping I'd have a chance to encourage her."

(blah blah blah ad nauseum......is that the right word? hmm... spell check doesn't like it!)

Then he looks me and says, "So you should hang out. Call her, get together."

ME (*feeling satisfied and a lil sheepish that my ploy worked*), "Really? Thank you, that'd be great. I mean, I just think that she could use a friend and it's been a while since we got to have a heart to heart w/o kids running around or talking on the phone w/o having to deal with the madness of the kids running around like maniacs...." blah blah blah

TO which he says, "All you had to do was ASK!"

That's just ONE example of the countless ways I can figure out to delay "asking" in hopes that my husband will just "figure it out". It's a LOUSY way to communicate and it's equally unfair to both parties! Not only does it put him in the position of trying to "Read b/w the lines" (of which MOST men will tell you themselves, they are LOUSY at it!!!). They weren't made to read our minds, they weren't meant to have to decript our messages. And honestly, as women we send them such tremendous mixed signals, that even if they COULD read our minds, can you imagine the mental breakdowns they'd have, trying to keep up with us?! LOL Just look at that last sentence! Women, probably followed me, men, perhaps not! hee hee

I am striving to have more boldness in my requests to my husband! When I need to run out in the evening for something, after a hard day with the kids, I just ask. When I have a ministry obligation, I run it by him, directly. Instead of giving the 6 different reasons I need to be there, I just say, "Hey, I'm needed _________ and will that work okay with our schedule? It'd mean you'd need to cover the kids and do bedtime." To which, I kid you not - - 90% of the time, it's not a problem! He appreciates my more direct approach and doesn't feel manipulated into saying yes. I haven't fed him the "emotional sale". I'll still often want to explain the why even after the "go ahead" has been given... which, sometimes he still looks at me with this, "It's FINE, I already said YES" kind of look. LOL Isn't it just like us women, to wanna have the details and give the details! (*NOT* always a good thing as it can so easily lead to gossip and "chatter" but that's another topic for another day!! :) )

In the same way, God doesn't want us tip toeing around our requests to him either! And yet, we do - don't we? I know I do. I will speak in vague terms and not be specific in my prayers.

Matthew 7 says to be DIRECT with God. Out of the Message again (matthew 7:7-11)

"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat and mouse, hide and seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"

So, why do we NOT ask for exactly what we want?
~shame that we're asking for things we WANT and not things we NEED?

~fear that he won't give us what we want?

~perhaps fear that he WILL give us what we want - and then we have to live with the consequences - whether those good or bad

~lack of depth to the relationship. We see Him like our drive thru "Go to guy". I'd like wisdom, with a side of mercy, and i'll take some everlasting life .... oh and can you biggee that too for an extra $10 bucks that I'll throw in next week's offering plate!?!"

~distractions - life's so busy we're lucky if we get a "hey God" in all day, let alone lay it out on the table what our needs are.

~assuming he just KNOWS already and what's the point in saying it all. (and yet he DOES. we were MADE to be in relationship with HIM. he desires our conversation and our affection in a deep, incredible way - unfathomable to me.. yet true! he wants to HEAR our cries and comfort us.... to meet us right where we're at, broken, joyful, thankful, in despair, wanting.....it's TRUE he KNOWS our thoughts... but to have a relationship work, takes 2 sides putting in the effort! I think we all know that when our relationship with the Lord is lacking, it's not b/c he's stepped away. we have.)

~the assumption we can just handle it on our own (yeah? how's that goin' for ya?! LOL)

God WANTS us to lay it all on the line. TO boldly come to him with our requests. To not approach him un with uncertainty and fear. Ephesians 3:12 says we can boldly come before HIM with CONFIDENCE! In the Message it uses this phrase "When we trust in him, we're free to say whatever needs to be said...." When we fully TRUST Him to give us what is BEST for us, we can ask with all kinds of freedom. Knowing He has our best in mind, KNOWING He will supply.... and with WHAT we need, WHEN we need it.

Like Matthew 7 said, we'd never intentionally with hold goodness from our children out of evil intentions. We want their happiness, yes. But most of all we want their safety, their lives to be blessed, their hearts to be soft toward the Lord and their spirits to be giving and loving. Sure, we can't/don't always give them what they WANT. But we see the big picture. We see how 2 steps down the path, that choice would be destructive.

God sees the whole picture. Trust in today's "frame" and know that it's a snapshot on the adventure and that as each day unfolds, so does HIS marvelous plan for our lives. And ASK to your hearts content for the things that you desire. In the process, examine your heart and your motives and then truly just lay it out there before him. He will answer - one way or another. And when he does... TRUST it.

SO... in a practical way - how am I praying specifically these days?
Here are a few to get your brainstorming on how you can to.

1. God would give me good deals at the grocery store on the needs and that at the end of the month, I would have left over in my grocery budget.

2. I am praying for my husband, in very specific ways - a soft heart for the Lord, integrity at work, a joyful spirit with his co-workers, a playfulness with the kids, understanding for me (his crazy wife!), and more...

3. For my children: that they would be hungry for the Lord, be eager to learn and soak up stories and think about how it applies to their lives. That they would be selfless - NOT selfish. That God would grow them individually and that they would committ to following Him and using their lives for His glory.

4. For myself: that I will continue to earnestly seek Him. Ask him His opinion, be silent and listen for his answer. that my friendship with the Father would grow and deepen, rooting itself in a love that can never be shaken or moved. That i would be SLOW to anger.... and quick to LISTEN to my family. That i can bless my husband and honor him infront of my kids. That they would see a united team. And that I keep myself open to whatever path God would call me down.

Go make yourself a list. :)

A Life of God Worship

2009-01-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I picked up my Bible and the page had fallen open to Matthew 6 (The Message). I'd read it months ago, and had even highlighted some verses that had touched me. And yet, my eyes were seeing the words with a renewed interest. In verse 19 Jesus is warning against storing up our treasures on earth... and advising to "stockpile" treasures in Heaven. I thought about the idea of treasures for a while and even asked some friends what they thought "our Heavenly treasures" were. It was good food for thought.

But, those were not the verses that really hit me, this time.

Those verses started at verse 25:
If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.... (vs 30)... If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with "getting" so you can respond to God's "giving". People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep you life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. GIVE your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Right before this passage Jesus is telling his disciples that they can only worship one god. If they love one, they'll have to hate the other, two can not coincide! Loving God and loving money or material matters won't work. And then he goes on to say that if we pick Christ... or focus will shift from all those worldly things! Our minds will not be set on where we think we're failing from the worlds perspective. Our God is a GOD of provisions and faithfulness. A God of making and keeping promises to us. A God of love.

I love the phrase where he says the birds live "careless in the care of God". WOW. Can you even wrap your mind around that?! How often do we go through our day and have anxiety pop up. Worries about this and that and big stuff and petty stuff?! Countless! How is it that we can so quickly forget who's arms are carrying us?!

The other word choice in The Message, that i just LOVED, b/c it gives me such a visual, is when it says that we are to "steep" our lives in God. It gives me this picture of a tea bag. It's like Christ is the tea bag and I'm this cup of water. We all know the longer the tea bag is IN the water, the stronger the tea right? Steeping takes time and conditions generally have to be right. Most tea bags "steep" better in hot water. Don't ask me why because Science wasn't my thing in high school! But it completely relates to our Christian walks as well. When we are HOT for God. When we are passionate and walking with Him daily, living in surrender, living a life desperate to please HIS heart, His spirit comes in and starts to steep in our souls. Starts to fill us up, starts to mature and deepen our desire and our intimacy with the Father!!! It's soothing, it's inviting, it's comfort and it's home.

And then "something" happens. Perhaps it's hard times. Perhaps it's a failed relationship, a loss of job, a loss of a loved one, a recurring habit, anger, depression, you fill in the blank. Our eyes shift.. with a blink we can find ourselves distracted... somehow the world can seem like it has the answers or looks inviting to human desires.

Gradually, the hotness turns to warmth... which quickly fades to a coolness that seems distant from the Father.

Go back with me to the cup of water. Imagine now, that the water is cool. The tea bag enters the water, at first sort of floating on top, gradually filling with water and sinking into the cup. With the absence of the heat, the tea doesn't spread into the water with the intensity, speed, or strength that it did in the hot water. It's potency and strength fails to match that of the hot cup! And it's due to the conditions!

SO is the Spirit in our hearts. When we become cool or aloof to the spirit, the power He has in our lives diminishes! Christ is still present! He promises to never leave us. But when our hearts are distracted and have wandered from His, our hearts and souls can NOT be filled with the Spirit. We can't walk in HIS fullness, we can't bask in HIS presence with the same peace, and we can not reach and meet His highest calling on our lives.

Check out a definition I found of the word "steep". Apply my crazy tea bag philosophy... reflect and think. Ask God to open your eyes.
steep² (stp)

v. steeped, steep·ing, steeps

v.tr.

1. To soak in liquid in order to cleanse, soften, or extract a given property from.

2. To infuse or subject thoroughly to.

3. To make thoroughly wet; saturate.

v.intr.

To undergo a soaking in liquid.

Where are you in the steeping process?

I'll Be By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

2009-01-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs

Breakfast making musings

2009-01-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

This morning I thought I'd make biscuits since we just got a new "honey bear" and the kids love biscuits and honey. I was up and around with plenty of time. Moment's later, Carissa was by my side, step stool pulled over the counter asking what I was doing and could she help.

(Now, all of us mom's can probably agree, that it's far easier to cook and bake alone. It gets done faster and not to mention with LESS mess!)

But I said, "Sure."

I got the ingredients and the mixing bowl out. She was eager to help dump and stir. She only got a little bit of flour out of the bowl! :) When it came time to roll out the dough she was insistent upon taking the rolling pin on by herself.

I knew she couldn't do it herself. She didn't have the leverage, the muscle strength, or the experience needed to get the job done. I watched her struggle and push the rolling pin.... often going over the same chunk of rolled dough because it was the smoothest path in front of her. To get to the thicker dough would mean asking for help, it would mean she'd not be successful on her own. I let her try for a minute or two, and then asked if she'd like to do it together. My hands took the outside of the rolling pin handles and applied more pressure was we rolled the dough out. With our hands together, we shaped and smoothed, and created the shape we needed. We then used a cup and cut out our round biscuits, popped them in the oven and then enjoyed them with butter and honey. Yum.

In the minute or two that I watched her struggle on her own with the dough, God came me a glimpse through his eyes. Together he and I will start something, but then all too soon, I'll feel confidence in myself and I'll slip His hands off of mine, and tackle the job myself. It sometimes feels easy at first, but then things get tough. I muddle through, making a mess, repeating old habits or attitudes because they are the easiest or most natural to my human nature. Choosing to work on the harder areas in my life would mean asking for help and it would sure mean admitting that I had failed on my own. And in the middle of my "doing it myself" a sense of lonliness starts to creep in. And then I hear it, "I'm still here, sweetie. I'd love to help, let's finish this together!"

And eagerly, I ask His hands to join mine again... working together we're a team that can't be messed with. He turns my mess into beauty, he transforms my mistakes and failings into opportunities to show his grace, mercy, love, and power.

I'm glad I said "yes" to Carissa this morning and grateful for the glimpse of "me" through God's eyes.

Mirror Messages

2009-01-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

Mirror mirror on the wall.... how often do we look to the mirror (or others?!) to reflect back to us what we desire to see? How often do we look at ourselves, with critical eyes and result with frowns of disappointment or discontentment?

Happens all the time here.

Over the years, I have gone through phases of placing scriptures or thoughts on my mirror. It's the perfect place to put thoughts or verses to ponder. Right now the following verse is printed out on some paper and taped to my mirror.

Psalm 19:13 (The Message)
Clean the slate, God, so we can start the day fresh!
Keep me from stupid sins, from thinking I can take over your work;
Then I can start this day sun-washed, scrubbed clean of the grime of sin.
These are the words in my mouth;
These are what I chew on and pray.
Accept them when I place them on the morning alter,
O God, my Alter-Rock, God, Priest of my My Alter-Rock.

I LOVE THIS LORD! What an awesome way to start my day with you! Wipe it clean Lord, lets start this day TOGETHER, fresh. And keep me from those stupid sins, that get in the way of our fellowship, that get in the way of YOU shining through me, that don't make YOU look good, Lord. My heart has been washed clean, scrubbed into every nook and cranny, not one speck of blackness remains... all by Your blood. These are my thoughts, my meditations, my ponderings... May they be fit for your presence, may they be honoring to your name, and may you accept them as my offering of praise.... as i lift them to you in worship, this very day!

Put something POSITIVE on your mirror today! Don't look to the visual to give you merit. Use the WORD of God to speak straight talk to your heart.

New Year's Thoughts

2008-12-31T13:18:00.000-08:00

So, it's that time of year again. The holidays are pretty much over, most folks are back to work, school will be starting next week again... life is starting to get back to normal.

And yet, January 1st often marks a grand entrance in our minds. It's like a big official day to kick bad habits, practice and learn NEW habits, get thin, workout, save money... the list goes on. So often, people makes lists of New Year's Resolutions...

While goals are good - they can also give ME a sense of failure. I am a list maker. While lists can be motivating, they can also be debilitating, depending on the pressure or the amount of grandure that's put into them. How realistic are we when we set out with our goals? We get this burst of "drive" and "enthusiasm"... somehow sparked by this new year and by February, the list is burried and half the "goals" forgotten.

Or the ones that seemed lofty to attain seem TOO far away and I give up.

Last year, on my family's blog I said that for 2008 my goal was to simply be a blessing. That was my heart's desire... I pray that I honored the Lord last year in blessing others. It was a far easier "resolution" to fulfill as it wasn't "About me". Reaching out and blessing others seems natural and fits with my heartbeat.

This year, I have some goals, yes. But above all, my desire in 2009 is that above all us, I will praise the Lord, in all things. That I will live and bask and find peace in LIVING in Jesus. Psalm 63:3 (the Message) sums it up beautifully for me. This will be the verse I will hold on to this year. I'd like to memorize it so I can take it wherever I go. What a perfect promise between my Lord and I.

Psalm 63:3
So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your strength and glory. In your generous love, I am really living at last! My lips brim praises like fountains. I bless you every time I take a breath; My arms wave like banners of praise to you.

Oh Jesus, in YOUR presence is where I long to be, and what a promise you've given to me, that you'll never leave me, never turn your face from mine, and never shut your ears from hearing my voice cry out to you. What a comfort to have you as my closest friend. Your love IS generous, so far beyond what i can comprehend, so much greater than my ability to fathom... May my lips speak words that edify and lift others up. May my thoughts be pure and without sin... and when they are, may I be quick to repent... quick to shift my thoughts to you and be filled with your goodness. May my hands and feet be thoughtful and determined. May they walk a path that honors you, choosing deliberately to follow the direction you lead me into. I ask for strength and endurance to stay committed to your calling. May I be driven by your calling and not by my desires. I want to praise you in all things.... good and bad... hardship and trials...in abundance and blessings .. in my marriage, in my children, in my friendships, and in my ministry. You are an amazing God, and I love you... more today than yesterday.

My fingers have been silent...

2008-12-27T22:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a few days. Maybe more, I guess, since Christmas was in there a few days, huh? It hasn't been for lack of thoughts. All kinds of things have been floating around in there.. bumping, colliding, smashing, interrupting, confusing, frustrating, surprising, and unexpected.... I suppose all our minds are like that... always working, always running ahead of us... i rather hate it, as I feel I can't keep up most days. And it isn't that my mind or heart is fickle. it's just plain busy and preoccupied and then occupied, and then off track, just as easily as it was "getting on" track. It seems it is the curse of the woman, i suppose.

But, in all seriousness, friends... there is a word that has been rather haunting me lately. i say haunting (and no i don't mean there's a white friendly ghost hovering!)... and in that i mean it just rather lingers in the back of my mind. it nudges me, pokes, nags, inspires, reminds, tortures (ha!), and doesn't leave me be. it's this word "surrender". i haven't really wanted to talk about this word. if 9 letter words were curse words, i'm sure this might qualify. don't get me wrong, surrendering to the Lord is a good thing. some areas in life, are easy to surrender. others, not so much.

i know the Lord has me on a journey of surrendering. while i want to - whole heartedly, with my whole being, my flesh fights and is weak. my mind reasons and rationalizes and tells me what i want to hear. sometimes it is so hard to "hear" through the noise and the clamor.

along with surrender i think of the word trust. trust is vital to the surrender process. it fails w/o it. and then when i realize i'm not surrendering an area over to the Lord, I want to ask myself "WHY am i not trusting that God will handle this?" it makes sense right? perhaps it'll put into perspective for me?

obedience (that word i talked about before) ties into surrender in such an intimate way too. it's all so mingled and meshed and intertwined.

perhaps it all comes down to simply loving Him. loving Him with all that I am. out of that loves come a heart bent towards obedience, a heart bent toward trust as God proves himself faithful.. TIME and TIME again... and a heart bent toward surrendering.... ALL areas of my mind, my heart, my spirit, my flesh, my intentions, my actions, my words, my thoughts... in sweet surrender God fills in the gaps of my soul. Filling me with abundant joy...

Jesus, you know my heart...i want to love you with a passionate and holy love... i want to be "mad" about you... to have you consume me, be the fool for you.... set aside the thoughts that get in the way. set aside the pride and the insecurities. set aside fears and inadequacies. fill me with your love... to the brim... to overflowing.. that your joy can't be contained in me...

I love the song "Pure and Holy Passion". Give it a listen and let me know how it encourages you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I17edLkBDCo

Twas the Night Before Christmas

2008-12-23T22:54:00.000-08:00

I heard this a few years back and loved it. I googled it tonight in hopes of finding it... and walah! The internet is the coolest. ENJOY :)

The Night before Christmas for Moms

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust," She'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, Watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
"I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through! "

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I am wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."

-Author Unknown

Out of the mouthes of babes

2008-12-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

So, today Noah looks to me and says, "Mom, we're having a really good day today because no one has been angry!" It took me slightly off guard, but upon thinking about it, I told him he was right! On both accounts! HA!

It's been a couple weeks now that this has been an area of SPECIFIC work in my heart. There are still moments when I'm failing miserably, but there have been far more moments, as of late, where I have seen myself making better choices! Yeah for God, because it is only his power that is pulling this off. My flesh is still terribly selfish and distracted.

Being a parent is such hard work. It seems that I'm having to think twice or three times about things because I'm running the possible scenario's of every situation... just hoping I will be prepared and not taken off guard! I like to be prepared. I like to feel in control and I like to be on top of things. Most times things go wrong is because I'm under prepared and i'm OVERLY distracted by my unpreparedness.. did ya follow that?!

Sometimes though, in trying to over plan and over prepare we are left UNDER appreciating the moments of the day. The moments where our kids WANT to spend time with us, the moments we could have spent reading or playing or talking or just BEING.

True confession of my day today.

It was about 6 pm. We'd all eaten dinner by this point. Carissa asked me, "Mommy, what would you like to do with me?"

Answer (and I cringe and tear up even as I think about my words back to her).

"Nothing Carissa, I need to get these dishes unloaded and reloaded.. and I need to get the clam chowder going for our party tomorrow, and i need to get a few more things cleaned up... so nothing right now..mommy's just too busy.... "

Even after I said those words, inwardly I was smacking myself around. Lecturing myself as to how ridiculous the words out of my mouth were, how her little heart must have just been smarting with sadness. Here, her mommy was just telling her she was too busy to "be" with her in that moment.

Now of course, there are times when we have to be the grown up, and we have jobs and duties to do. It isn't healthy for us to cater to our kids last whim or desire either. We weren't meant to be their source of entertainment. However, at that moment... all of the things I listed to my daughter COULD have waited. Or at the very least, I could have spoken to her in a kinder way. There should have been compromise at the very least.

Instead, she went about cleaning up her room as she was told. She read books like she was told, and she was tucked in, prayed with, and smooched. And the night was over.

There wasn't any reading together tonight. There wasn't any girl talk on her bed. There wasn't any whispers of excitement about our day tomorrow when family comes over to celebrate Christmas. There weren't any secret words shared or tickle moments.... it was just me... in a hurry, rushing through the evening, my mind preoccupied with my "to-do's" and running through tomorrow's day, hour by hour.

Today I got my package I had ordered a few weeks ago. In it is a book called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God" (by Mary E. Demuth). I read through the first short devotional tonight. Oddly enough (or rather PLANNED by God....) it was about listening... what we so often let our ears here... and how much we can miss...when our ears are tuned to the wrong voices.

Here's an excerpt:

"But to listen well we have to make a choice. To have a new ear, we have to blot out other distractions that pepper us all day long. The seemingly important things- the things that assail from left and right, from above and beneath - are like tiny insidious monsters, pulling us in directions we never intended to go. They have loud voices, disguised in ringing telephones, ding donging door bells, blaring televisions, static-loving radios................It's really not their fault. I have to learn to turn things off, to not clutter my life with so much noise. I can't hear the important things if the unimportant clamor minute by minute for my attention. 'This is what the Soveriegn Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: In Repentence and rest is your salvation, and quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. Isaiah 30:15'

If I disdain repentace, rest, quietness, and trust, I will not hear what God wants me to hear. I will be tossed here and there by noise, neglecting the cries of my children or stifling the cry of my heart to be quiet before Jesus. Many times the noise I refuse to quiet is my own, coming from deep inside me. Its voice utters words like 'should,' 'you'd better,' or 'so you can cross that off your list.' When i listen to these voices, i am more apt ot snap at my children's innocent needs or miss a friend's nonverbal plea for a listening ear."

Yeah, that applied to me today. Here's my prayer for today.. join me, will ya.

Oh Jesus, my choices today didn't reflect an ear that was listening to you; and as result i lost an opportunity to listen to my daughter. My heart was hardened and my mind was busy elsewhere. Forgive me, please... and open my ears to hear her. And to hear more than just her words, but to hear her heart too. soften my heart, fill me with just enuf of your love each day to share and give to my family and friends. Thank you for always leaning your ear my way... for always waiting for my whisper, my cry, my shout, my love. I love you... Amen.

Obedience

2008-12-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

So, this week I picked up an old devotional I got a couple years ago. I had started it and gotten through the first couple chapters and then for whatever reason, quit. I have about 10 studies on my book shelf, much like this one. Some I've bought, some were gifts, ALL are unfinished. I'm not sure when starting something and NOT finishing it came to be such a regular part of my life. Regular and even, dare I say, acceptable? I used to be a much more disciplined and organized self.

The particular study I picked up was "Becoming a Woman of Excellence" by Cynthia Heald. A few years back it had been a Mother's Day gift from our church. I'm sure I took it home that day, popped it open and eagerly started it, just knowing I would do this study and be much more the wiser and obviously, by the title, i'd have become an EXCELLENT woman. Yes, I'm easily excited and just thumbing through the book made me smile. But, I digress.

It's obvious I didn't get far ... as i had picked it up and was in the middle of an unfinished chapter. And yet, I had to smile... because the verses and the thoughts posed to me were applicable to ME, at that VERY moment :) Love that God. (And to you satan, i refuse the guilt trip for not finishing. God was just holding that page for me til I was ready to read it and needing to hear it! so there!)

Chapter 5 is called "Exemplified by Obedience".
Key Verse:
Philippians 2:13 "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

Hmm... here's what Cynthia wrote:
"Obedience is submission, habitually yielding to authority. If we have surrendered our lives to God, then it will be natural to want to yield to His authority, to obey His commands and to please Him by living His way. But obedience is not forced; it is motivated by a heart of love."

WOAH! Maybe read that again. Or again? Especially the last line hit me up side the head. "Obedience is not forced; it is motivated by a heart of love."

As a mom to 4 young children, the word obedience immediately makes me think of parenting and getting my kids to do what i say, when i say it, the way i want it done, in the timely fashion I'd like it done, and definately with the attitude that shows respect, love, thoughtfulness, kindness, yadda yadda yadda....

And then I hear that "And what about you, daughter?............... Have you followed through on calling that friend I prompted you to call? ..............What about actively blessing your family with a servant heart? ..................Or what about handing over the control on that area of your life you're still desperately holding on to?.............. I'm waiting........still here..........."

Has it ever occurred to you that the Lord doesn't yell at you? Never do you get belittling tones, sarcastic inferrences, the disapproving eyebrow, or the slow sad nod of the head from side to side.

How often do I send messages to my kids that imply nothing but disappointment? Trust me, an area I'm WORKING on!

So, back to the idea of obedience being motivated out of love. Brainstorm with me, will you? How can we model this for our kids. We all know they WATCH us and DO what we do far more often than doing what we "SAY" they should be doing. Why do you think we get so horrified when they do something embarassing?! Because we KNOW where they learned it! (Maybe I'll tell the story about my whisk and chipped paint on the wall another day!)

So, while we can talk to them about wanting to obey as a way to show our love to the Lord... how can we SHOW them obedience with the right motivation? Don't get me wrong.. dialogue is important! Huge, infact. BUT..... actions speak louder than words, yes? So often their motivation is simply to avoid discipline... but we never get to their hearts when simply dealing with the surface actions/choices they make.

SO.. hit me with some ideas.. lets talk about it! I have some of my own ideas but i do all the talking here.... surely my readers have something to say. Here's your chance!!!!

deceived with our eyes open

2008-12-17T22:03:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how to put to "screen" (paper sounds better, but who am i kidding? i can type WAY faster than i can pen my thoughts...) my thoughts tonight. Organizing would require lists, and topics and brainstorming... when really my mind is just sort of full of things to say.

How many times have we walked into a room full of people and felt alone. I have.

How often do we feel like other mom's have it together? I do... frequently.

How regularly do we "diss" ourselves, put ourselves down, reject the beauty in us, and only see the flaws that stare at us blatantly in the face? Daily.

How often do we put on our smile of disguise, to hide the pain? Too often.

And how often do we busy ourselves so that we can find importance in "doing" so that we don't have to be vulnerable in being SERVED? More often that you probably think.

It's easy to buy into the lie that we are infact the only one NOT normal. The ONLY one not measuring up, the ONLY one that isn't meeting her potential in EVERY aspect of her life.

Picture this with me...The master of lies, satan, seems to lurk in the shadows of my mind. When my mind is focused and my heart is in line with Christ, my mind and heart are full of HIS light. I'm walking in the SONLIGHT, so to speak :) Then, something will happen, a fight with your husband, a hard day with the kids, an emabarassing moment infront of other people, a failure at work, or a hiccup in a friendship... and like a lion prowling, satan springs into action... throwing personal insults at you, filling your mind with negativity about others, filling your heart with self doubt, pecking away at your self esteem, whittling away at your faith.. urging you to turn from truth and seek after self fulfillment. "Who needs them anyway," he whispers.... "you'll never fit in there anyway...." he snears.....

And you believe it. We all have. How do you think anger happens? Isn't it so often a result of hurt, feelings of inadequacy, over compensating for a feeling of loss?

Scripture tells us to think on that which is pure, holy, upright, good, and eternal. That above we guard our hearts from all evil. We must cling to what we know to be TRUTH... to the words that God speaks to us in His word... to the fact that we are his chosen beloved. His rare, priceless beauty, His shining gem, his FOREVER love...

We're human. Our focus will slip to self, when we KNOW it should be on HIM. What's important is that we shift quickly back to HIS face. Practice, practice, practice and prepare prepare prepare. It doesn't feel natural to rebuke evil or sin. We are BY nature, sinful. We come by it as naturally as we breathe. What God calls us to do though is to shed the darkness and to walk in HIS Light. We have to walk daily with him to start to reflect His light. His power lives in us. We have the power to rebuke the lies of satan. We have the power to open our eyes where we are so easily deceived and to reject the lies we so easily believe. In the power of Christ, we cast light on the shadows where he lurks. There can be no room for him, where there is light.

Our job is to inwardly be shining our light around the corners of our heart and minds. De-cobweb those corners, sweep out your heart, dust off your mind.... Invite the presence of God into every nook and cranny of your being. Are you surrendering EVERY aspect?

And after we've done that, be an open book. Don't put up those facades that show the world you're "good" and "put together" and "fulfilling all worldly expectations". Be real. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Let other see you, your cobwebbed corners and all. We've all got issues. Don't buy into the lie that you're alone in your problems. WE all have problems. None too great for God, and none too secret or "bad" to be untold to a friend. Trust. TRUST... TRUST...

Isolation is where satan wants us; don't be paralyzed by it. Instead, reach out for the closest hand, grab it, and ask them to hold on with you. You can do it. WE can do it. Lets go.

(okay, maybe i should have made the lists and brainstorming webs and outlines... this feels random and sketchy... but it's what was on my heart and it's what my fingers went with, so it's what you get! HA!)

abundantly blessed

2008-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

This season I am feeling extremely blessed. While I have moments of near insanity, they are nearly almost always followed by intense emotions of gratitude and thankfulness. I've been praying that God would open my eyes to the hurting and I've been praying that He would break my heart and show me ways that I could love others and show others His love.

As I wrote a while back, this Christmas season, for me, has been one where I've been working to keep my heart focused on the gift of Jesus and in teaching my kids about the beauty of giving and not being self focused. And it's also been about seeing the beauty of the season through their young enchanted eyes. The way the little things like twinkle lights bring such smiles and "oohhhs and ahhhs" to their lips. It's such a good reminder to me... find joy in the little things!!!

This week we've had an incredible cold snap. Temperatures have been SO cold. It had seemed that winter was eluding us for a while. I can't say that anymore! With single digit degrees at night and the ice and frozen inch of snow on the ground have really gotten my heart moving. Saturday night we were on the way home from a Christmas party where we'd had the joy of being with friends. We ate incredible food and fellowshipped and chased our kids around. Good times, right?

It was SO cold and I was snug in our car as my husband was driving us home. I felt my hands... they were warm... my feet snug in my sturdy shoes. My children, with full tummies and cozy jammies on... talking about how they can't wait for Christmas. Theire coats weren't even on when we got in the car becuase we'd warmed it up before we got in it. Their winter coats lay at their feet. Wow. What a picture of "enough" . What a picture of "wealth" and "abundance".

The wind was really blowing too and my thoughts instantly went to the homeless people in our town. We have a larg population of homeless people and I immediately envisioned mothers and children huddling together; doing their best to be warm. And here we sat, in a warm car, coats not even ON ... completely oblivious to the the affects of the winter night on so many unknown faces on the street.

We got home and I walked into our warm and cozy home. After the kids were in bed, I started loading up a bag of groceries to take to the food drive at church. My husband asked what I was doing; I told him and he watched me another minute.

Then he asked me, "Are you okay?"

"No."

"What's wrong?"

I hesitated and then went on, "I just feel so overwhelmed with what we have. I feel lucky, blessed, guilty, thankful, and helpless all at the same time. I mean, I'm thankful for our home and what God has blessed us with... but at the same time, I feel so guilty for having a nice home, when so many our there are suffering on nights like tonight."

"What would you do different or what are you going to do about it?" he asked me.

I let that sort of sit on my mind overnight. I woke up thinking about it and knew I needed to be obedient. God is still sort of showing me what the picture is that HE has in mind. But I am excited to do what He's asking. To be Servant Hands to those that He loves.

Over the course of the last 2 days I've had some dialogue with my children about those less fortunate than us. I want them to not only just "know" it to be true.. I want them to SEE it to be true. At their young ages, I am not sure how that is to look exactly... but I'm confident that God will show me.

As I am obedient, would you please be praying that God would be directing my mind and my choices. That He would lead me to the right people at the right time.

Thanks.. and i WILL keep you posted as to what HIS grand plan is... :)

from grouchy to glorifying

2008-12-12T13:46:00.000-08:00

Isn't there a saying (or is it fact?) out there about the brain being the most powerful muscle in the body? I was thinking about this when I was in my state of grouchiness this morning. I was irritated about being tired (hello, who chose to go to bed late?!), and frustrated that the kids weren't moving faster with the morning routine (not that *I* was!). This morning, my husband was watching me, in one of my lil mood and he was just trying to hold back the smile. I'm sure i looked much like one of my kids. You know, when we see them making an idiot out of themselves and we're trying to hold back the laughter at theire ridiculous antics. And if they'd just STOP, take a deep breath, and start over; it's surely be more effective. He was good to not point out obviously what a complete fool I was making of myself. As he left for work, I was still pouting inwardly and he looked at me and said, "no pity parties today!".... Hmph.

While even THAT phrase, at first got to me, I realized he was right. Why not just choose to start over!? Let all the little stupid annoyances go. It wasn't like they were affecting anyone else. It wasn't as if anyone else was bothered. And life would keep going. :)

I needed to run some errands this morning and they went well; well, as well as they CAN with the hoodlums in tow. I think some dialogue about shopping with children with you will have to wait for another post. I'm not sure my brain has the stamina to relive it as I recount various store stories with my children. Exhausting. Who needs a gym membership? Just take preschoolers to Fred Meyer or Costco. By the end of the trip, you are certain you'll never step foot back into those sliding doors w/o a warning automatically going off and an announcement coming over the loud speaker that says, "Warning, warning... wild, uncontrolled children that like to touch, run, and tackle each other are entering the store. Continue browsing at your own risk."

Anyway.. another day :)

Back to my point... As I was driving home.... I started to think of my blessings and my heart really started to feel a sense of extreme gratitude for God's gifts. The grouchies from this morning a complete thing of the past. When I chose to put my mind on the things of Christ, the things of the world had to take a step back. Praise God for that.

I want to live in a season of gratitude. Where i'm continually reminded by his goodness. Not because he gives me things.... but simply revel in HIS greatness. Gratitude for the cross and His blood. Gratitude for the communion that I get to have with the Father - gratitude for the promise of life eternal and gratitude for his faithfulness to my sinful self. Undeserved mercy and grace. Amazing.

I'm gonna work on the lettin' the little stuff go.... and concentrate on the moments that DO.... to simply Pour my energy into glorifying not grouchifying! :)

Just another tidbit

2008-12-09T08:37:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I wrote last night... and then headed to bed shortly after. I always end up still mulling my thoughts, even after I've written... and often more things come to mind... (remember how I had to come back and visit seasons again? and i'm still not promising you won't see THAT word again! ha!).

So, I continued to think about expectations vs. anticipation. And here's another thought to chew on.

How often do our expectations come with hidden agenda's? Mine do. When I build up a person or situation with (especially UNSPOKEN) expectations it's often about "how the situation is going to benefit me" or "what" that person is going to do for/with me. Often it's me expecting or wanting someone to say or do something that gives me a boost... something that gives me a sense of pride. It's the same way with my relationship with God... don't we often come to the Lord in a panic or in frustration because we've done "what he asked" and now our expectations aren't being met. Isn't He slacking on his end of the bargain? This surely wasn't what WE thought we were in for! Isn't it like our flesh to think of ME ME ME ME...

So.. here's again, where in MY mind... eagerly anticipating is different. Here's my simple definition. Eagerly anticipating is waiting for the unexpected and trusting that the end result is God's perfect plan. Not to say every situation smells like roses! We know better than to think that - but to know that through every valley, God can take us to the mountain top on the other side. There's no hidden agenda. It's simply flying by the seat of our pants, every day, waiting to see what will happen. Again... it points back to surrendering .... maybe that will be a topic for another post.... For now.. motherhood calls..I just had to get this down this morning so my mind could move on (wink!).

EAgerly Anticipating!!!!!

Here's a thought

2008-12-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about expectations. Oohhh... did any of you feel tempted to quit reading?? Maybe you cringed inwardly or allowed yourself to groan outloud. Yes, my friends... expectations. If we were honest with ourselves, how many of us would say we set HIGH, UNttainable expectations for, NOT only ourselves, but for EVERYONE else around us? How often do we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure...not to mention how damaging this can be to relationships in our lives. SO often, it's those unspoken expectations too are never met; which leave us feeling empty, unloved, unpersued, and unimportant to a loved one. Or how about that sense of personal failure, never measuring up, constantly striving for something we'll never be.

Is this ringing true for anyone?

So, here's a concept I heard not long ago. It was this. Instead of having expectations set in place...... it called us to "eagerly anticipate". Hmmm..doesn't that sound better, even? :) I think it's a process of re-framing our thoughts... refocusing our attention and settling in for what could be a wait, but with a heart of anticipation as we know God always answers. I know they seem so close in wording... and i do think it's a fine line b/w the "expectantcy" and the "anticipating"... even when i looked them up in the dictionary their definitions even used the other word in it's definition. Language wise, they are practically the same in meaning and in the way you would use them.. nearly interchangable in nature.

However, it could just be me.... BUT... i hear a different connotation in them. Because of failed expectations, I think that very word; "expectation"... can have a negative connotation to it. With it comes a sense of "uncertainty" of what's to come... a realization that your wants/desires/ and hopes may never come to fruition. Disappointment seems to lurk behind expectant hopes.

As a people, though; I think we are by nature hopeful. We, by nature, long to see the best, hope for the best, and plan and dream for what seems out of reach. God gave in us, the unique ability to dream and to have visions of what could be... Perhaps that's why the phrase "Eagerly anticipate" rings so sweetly to my ears. It sounds as if I am in a state of being hopeful in a manner that is excited... in a way that shows childlike awe as I wait to see what it is that God wants to show me, unfold to me, surprise me with. It somehow holds less promise of disappointment. And it holds on to the promise that in TIME God's dream that HE placed in me, WILL come to fruition.

In my mind the timeline for eagerly anticipating seems imminent and yet long lasting... no time barriers...just waiting and wondering and accepting... It surely requires a better trained set of ears for listening and sitting with the Lord. I envision whispers of reassurance and encouragement from the Holy Spirit... "hold on daughter... great things are in store... the Father can't wait to see your face... His plan is good and it is eternal... it is beyond your dreams... just hang in there.. you're doing fine... ". It seems personal and intimate....just what i'm longing to share with my Savior.

Will you eagerly anticipate with me? Lets wake hopeful of what God can and will do in our hearts, in our marriages, in our children's lives, in our friendships, in our finances, in our quiet times, in our ministries, in our churches, in our thought lives, in our motives, in our words, in our actions, and in every area of our life that we have yet to surrender to Him...

Eagerly anticipating together... what could be better?

Determined

2008-12-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a week it has been! It's been a week of challenge but also a week where I really feel that I've done some growing. You'll be happy to know that i tweaked the "i'm good" response at church today, to the friends that asked how I was doing. Some got more information than others; but I THINK I only said, "i'm good" to about 3 people instead of 10!! :) I'm good generally came out - and then I quickly followed it with some tidbit. Obviously, depending on how well I knew the person depended on the kind of info i blurted out... BUT... it felt good to not feel that I was hiding or putting on a face for the crowd. So, should you ask me how i am.. and i reply with a "i'm good", make eye contact with me and ask, "how good?" (wink!) don't let me get off with that kind of answer!

Today was the kids program at church - 3 of my 4 got to sing in our 3 services. What a kick! They did great and were completely enamoured with the idea of being on "mommy's stage". they are used to seeing me singing on stage Sunday mornings when they get to church with daddy. Carissa talked about getting to sing on "mommy's stage" for weeks! She was adorable today up there... "C'mon ring those bells... light the Christmas tree...." Sweet sweet sweet.

Micah proceeded to be all that a boy COULD be... yawned, turned around, tried to sit down, pointed at himself on the projector screen, and even picked his nose and ate it... yes, what a proud moment that was. I even got a picture on a girlfriends camera of the finger in the mouth. Hey, if it keeps the girls away when he's 16 years old... it'll be well worth it! HAHA!

After we got home we sat down to eat lunch. From time to time, instead of praying for the meal, we'll say "Lets be thankful!". This means we go around the table and say what we're thankful for and then we start eating. Carissa wanted to go first; "I'm thankful for the beautiful day we have today (mind you she says this EVERY time but i never tire of it!), and for getting to sing songs to Jesus on stage today." Awww..... :)

I'm determined to make the little moments count this holiday season. Holidays are often a mixed bag for me. Internally I create a grand set of moments... and then it often feels anti-climactic.... I get these ideas and never follow through, etc. I'm determined to start traditions with OUR family. Before we had kids - and even when we first started having kids, it felt like we were still trying to fit in to everyone else's idea of what Christmas should be. This year, it's about our family and our plans.

I'm determined to keep my focus on the birth of Jesus. While it's beautiful to give and receive at Christmas; I want to be ever vigilent to keep my children thinking of WHY we celebrate. It's so easy for them to see Christmas as a time to GET GET GET and WANT WANT WANT.

In light of that, we've scaled the buying back. Not that we were EVER extravagant; but mentally I think always felt like what i had to give my kids wasn't "enuf"... this year, my attitude is different and it is such a peaceful feeling.

In honor of Christmas here are a few questions for ya. PLEASE leave an answer in the comments! I'd love to hear your answers!

What is your.....
-favorite Christmas Carol
-favorite Christmas food
-favorite Christmas tradition
-most special memory from childhood

and HOW do you keep Christ the center of Christmas.. for you or/and your children!?

Easier said than done

2008-12-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

It's time to get honest. My heart and flesh are conflicted. Remember how I said the other day, that I figured I'd be in for a few rough days at home? That, in my efforts to honor the Lord, that there'd be "opportunities" for me to practice and such? Yah well. There have been plenty and I have failed quite miserably. While it'd be easy to keep posting and act like I'm dealing with my "season" in a spiritual manner... it'd be nothing but a smoke screen and my conscious can't handle that (Thank You Holy Spirit!).

So, my heart is so passionate about loving Jesus. That passion is literally growing every day! I'm eager to read the Word, I'm eager to be reflective and silent in His presence... I am more and more eager to talk to Him daily. This is exciting for me as for a while I felt like I was in a bit of a desert. It didn't seem like a LOT was soaking in. When it did, it seemed temporary and I felt parched soon after. God is faithful and He never walked away, never stopped loving me, and for whatever reason, His voice is close to my heart again and I am ever so thankful.

BUT, my flesh.... oh, my sinful flesh...

I struggle with anger. There I said it.

Lots of you who know me "in real life" MIGHT be surprised by that. When you see me I'm happy, funny, telling stories on my kids, laughing at life... But behind the closed doors of my house (or my CAR! why DO they act like maniacs in the car?!), I admit that a different woman sometimes comes out. It's nothing I am proud of. This morning, in tears I apologized to my oldest son. It seems that he and I are a lot alike in temperment. He's emotional, dramatic, quick to frustration, sensitive, and easily hurt.

His heart is huge (he gets that from me too!!!) and he loves people, he's creative and energetic (that MUST be from his daddy!), and SOOOO smart! I am proud of him, SO proud of him..... and yet.... the two of us can butt heads on a bad day that make me fear for the days he's a teenager!

As he and I were engaged in a battle of words today, inwardly I was telling myself to just STOP talking! The ridiculousness of the conversation was comedic and sad at the same time. Here I was engaged in a conversation with my 6 (almost 7) year old son that was going no where. It was one of the talks that no matter what I said, he'd find a way to dramatize it; which would further irritate me, I'd scold him for over reacting or making assumptions that were NOT even brought up; which would then send him into tears and he'd start spouting off how naughty he was, and how stupid he was and how he'll never get to do anything fun anymore, and he'll never play the Wii again, and mommy doesn't love him......... blah blah blah... it could go on for minutes if i let it. At this point, I should walk away... well, actually, i SHOULD have walked away LONG before this! By now, i'm furious. I'm demanding he LOOK at me, telling him to "knock it off", speaking to him in tones that I'd never speak to a friend in.

And then this comes out of my mouth, "Would you talk to your teacher this way? Would you talk to your friends at school this way!? Do you ever show them this amount of anger or disrespect?"

"No," he says.

I reply to him, "Then you do NOT act that way at home. You will not speak to me or your dad or your brothers and sister that way! You will treat us with the same respect and love you treat other adults at school and your friends there. Your friends will come and go but your family is FOREVER! Do you hear me?!"

"Hhmmm... do YOU hear me, child?" whispers the Spirit. "DO you talk to your friends like you speak to your family? Do you raise your voice, use sarcasm, or get angry over little things? Do you show your true colors infront of strangers? Do you openly show disapproval and frustration or regret? Can you hear what you're saying? Have you modeled the behavior you are so desiring in him? Think about it.... get back to me on it...."

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. I looked into his angry eyes this morning and a wave of such emotion flooded my heart. My poor baby... he carries so much around - and he shouldn't need to. He reacts according to me. He follows MY lead. And I let him down... over and over and over. I'm short tempered... easily frustrated and i am WRONG, dead WRONG to let my emotions control me.

I told him that we needed to pray. He was slightly resistant but he curled up in my lap. I asked forgiveness of the Lord and I prayed for my son and I. I prayed that God would make me a better mom, that He would help me with my anger and my reactions.... I asked that He would help him have a good day at school, and that his words and actions would be pleasing to Jesus' heart.

The rest of the morning went better. He hugged and kissed me when I dropped him off at school today - even OUTSIDE the car, where people can see!! :) HEE HEE!!!

Later in the day, I was doing some Christmas shopping and I had the radio on. The lead singer from the band Building 429 came on. His opening line was, "I used to have a problem with anger." Yes, I laughed outloud!

He went on to read Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." Thank you Jesus... such confirmation of what you're doing in my heart...such constant reminders and words to encourage me...

Thank You Jesus, for this season you have me in. This season, where I am more and more aware of how I am allowing my emotions to control my behavior. It's ugly. Thank you for opening my eyes and convicting my spirit. It's hard to admit. I don't want others to think less of me... but even more Jesus, I hate to imagine your face as you watch me treat your children w/o respect, w/o unconditional love, and in a manner than does nothing but teach them how NOT to love others. Set angels at the doorway of my mouth if you have to; send extra measures of patience and grace that i might extend it to my kids. Create in me a new set of eyes, that allow me to see situations as teachable moments, and not as a chance to "set them straight". Thank you for your word that continually reminds me of your faithfulness and love.

Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit withing me
Create in me a clean heart, O God
and renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away from thy presence Oh Lord
and take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation
and renew a right spirit within me.

Amen.

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

2008-12-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I've been loving this song lately. I'm working on getting it added to my playlist. In the meantime, you can always go to youtube and listen to it. Give these lyrics a read.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Now What?

2008-12-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

So, I think I warned you that I was still thinking about the idea of seasons and how they affect us. Over the last day and a half, thoughts have kept popping in and I've been mulling and pondering. So, lets dive in :)

Okay, so we each find ourselves in a season. No matter the season, God never intends for us to stay in that season forever. We weren't created to simply BE one way or EXPERIENCE one kind of season. I think the passage in Ecclesiastes was pretty obvious about that! ( Granted, some seasons can last a LONG time, just ask the Israelites as they wandered the desert for 40 years! )

For the sake of ease, lets choose a difficult season in life. I won't pick a specific "situation" as i REALLY don't want anyone reading this to feel it's in any way directed at them! I have friends in all kinds of seasons.. and regardless of YOUR season, the same thoughts apply that I want to share. So, there's my disclaimer!

When I enter a particularly difficult season, my first instinct is usually panic, fear, guilt... and usually if not always CRYING.... and then I got about preparing myself mentally for the worst to come.

I play the what if game, I play out various scenario's of how to remove myself from the uncomfortable season. I start to wallow. I start to talk to my friends. I start to feel alone. I start to FEEL far from God. (notice all the EMOTIONAL responses!!! ack!)

My attitude goes to pot, my children start wondering why I am so snippy, why I'm so short, and why my joy is lacking. They don't say it in as many words as they're young, but they'll say things like, "Mommy, are you still angry?".... Talk about a blow to the gutt!

Communication at this point with my husband is hit and miss. I start making assumptions of this thoughts, I put upon him, in my mind, what i am guessing his intentions or meaning is behind what he says or does... And I can tell you, almost every time, i'm FAR from accurate. I start using my emotions to interpret his actions! Boy, is that dangerous!

After my initial self centered pity party, a friend will smack me up side the head (in a LOVING way of course!) and remind me that God's in control. Remind me that God is good, and point me to the WORD. So, that's where I go. I wish I could say I go there first. Though i CAN say, that in the last year, God has been pointing back to his Word more and more frequently at the beginning of a season than ever before. I think this comes more and more w/ me surrendering control and realizing, "Hello, i CAN not fix this on my own!"

So, what DOES the word say we're to do when trouble comes our way?!

Here's what James 1 says... (Message)
FAITH UNDER PRESSURE:
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.
Pardon me?! A gift? Aren't those wrapped in bright colored paper and meant to be offerings of love and affection? Aren't gifts meant to bring joy and satisfaction? I'm supposed to look at my tests and challenges and EMBRACE it? Be grateful for it? Notice too, it says FROM ALL sides! Sometimes seasons start to feel like they are piling and multiplying... and even THEN I should welcome them?

You know that under pressure, your faith-life if forced into the open and shows its true colors.
Ahh... yes... where DO i turn when i'm feeling that pressure? how do my actions show God where my trust lies? How do my words and actions reflect my heart?

So, don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do it's work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way.
Um, isn't our first reaction when in a crummy season, to think of the FASTEST way to get out of it?! How can we fix it? What can we do with the set of circumstances we are in to eliminate the discomfort and simply RUN AWAY from it? Not to mention how we often act like if we don't acknowledge the situation it'll just magically discenegrate and we'll be left NOT having to deal with it. But, no, God is actually saying.. DON'T try to get out so quickly. I don't think He's asking us to settle in for the LONG haul.. But I think HE wants us to embrace our hardships, being fully confident in HIS ability to carry us through it and then being aware and open READY and WILLING to be shaped and molded how He would desire.

I think we've all been through rough times and when we come out the other side, we all say, we're so much strong, we're closer to God, and we feel better equipped for the next storm.... we have been tested and found faithful... The fire never "feels" good. it's not "pleasant" but the end result is beauty!

So, you're in a season. Make the most of it. Pray continually, seek the wisdom of godly people, reach and and ACCEPT help, don't hide your season, be vulnerable, and be asking God to prepare you for each new step along the way. Embrace the hard times as you KNOW God is faithful. Rejoice in the good times, as you marvel and TELL of his great love for you and continue to GROW in HIS love, so that when the next season comes that is difficult; you'll be prepared and ready and confident in HIM.

James 1:12 says: Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is LIFE and MORE LIFE.

That's who I want to be.

Seasons.... and not the 4 that we know so well....

2008-12-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

Today, the thought of seasons has been mulling through my mind. And, no... I don't mean Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. If you ask me, those seasons are much easier to prepare for, deal with, endure, and eagerly anticipate the next one to come around! After all, we generally know the climate to expect, the precipitation (or lack there of), what kinds of clothing to wear, what kinds of activities to participate in during that given season, and we all know WHEN that season is "over". Thanks to all the "solstices" we have exact "days" even for when a season starts and ends... Sure, sometimes mothernature throws in a late this or an early that... but for the most part it is consistent, expected, and we know the routine...

Ecclesiastes 3 gives a LONG list of seasons...
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Wow. That's a lot of seasons, don't you think? Life is hard, life is good, and life is FULL of periods of time where we get in a "place" that just holds us for a while... In God's time, we inch out (or sometimes leap) and start a new "Season".

God created us to be dynamic, enthusiastic, complex people. And each one of us, is just that... we hold depth, and breadth, and intricacies that often only our Maker sees. You know, the thoughts and dreams you keep to yourself, the silent hopes you don't share, for fear of appearing silly or stupid or even worse being called a dreamer or fool. How about the people you want to meet or get to know better, but you feel you have nothing to offer, nothing to give, nothing to contribute to... That, my friend is a season that I call "fear". It's a season where we're always holding back, where we're always being just slightly (or sometimes HUGELY) less than the person we were created to be.

All to often, we somehow start to buy into that season of fear and we allow it to become our place of normalcy. We accept the lies and untruths and we adjust our dreams/hopes/desires accordingly. We downsize internally and we settle for less than our potential.

Here's my challenge to you... close your eyes (when you're done reading of course!) and remember back... back when you had BIG BIG dreams... when you had BIG ridiculously huge aspirations... remember the thrill, the excitement... the shiver or that tingle... the heart rate that would pump and the sparkle in your eye.... God GIVES us those for a reason! Sure, not every wild concocted dream will become reality... but you'd never know which ones would be CLOSE to a reality if you never tried, never pursued, never followed through and never sought God's thoughts on the matter! The God of the universe, who put your frame together, KNOWS you, more intimately than another other breathing being... and He sees you at your full potential... I think if we could just get a glimpse of ourselves thru HIS eyes, some of us would be unrecognizable..... are ya following me, here??

Okay, not to totally squash that beautiful flow up there... but something else is just picking at me and I have to get it down and I know i'm getting long... I told you I would never promise to be short!

Here's the hard part... we're all in different seasons from each other. The beauty of nature's seasons is that we all share and embark thru the same weather... we can all partake in the same activities, look the same, act the same, and expect the same...

Not so with real life... I have friends in life who are in seasons of mourning; seasons of grief; seasons of denial; seasons of joy; seasons of illness; seasons of healing; seasons of being too buys; seasons of growth; seasons of peace; seasons of letting go; seasons of anticipation; seasons of hiding; seasons of giving; seasons of accepting; seasons of vulnerabitlity; seasons of change; seasons of trauma; seasons of drama; seasons of pain; seasons of fear; seasons of intimacy with their Savior; seasons of worship; seasons of awe; seasons of waiting..... and the list goes on!

And... the really tricky thing about our "inner" season is that we can HIDE it really really really well.... from most people! So, we often go through our day to day interactions with others, shoving our "season" down so that others only see what we want them to see.. so that others see only the glimpse of them that we feel is acceptable... so that we appear to have it together, so that we appear to be something that deep down we're really not! GUILTY as charged here, ever so many times! How many times have we greeted a friend or acquaintance at the store, at church, when dropping kids off or picking them up, on the phone, where EVER ... and someone asks you how you're doing and you say.... "GOOD!" Never mind that your husband just lost his job, never mind that your marriage is crumbling, never mind your child has walked away from God, never mind your battling an illness , never mind your anxious about finances, never mind you're mad at God stuff he allowed happen in your past, never mind... never mind... never mind.... We throw in the "Good" answer to speed up the small talk, all the while not making eye contact so that we can resume or hasty retreat...

But if you're like me, and you've DONE THIS VERY THING.. you walk away feeling even a tiny bit more empty than you did moments before... part of you is sad, that the person didn't see through you.. part of you is sad you didn't have the gutts to show you're real heart... part of you is regretful for missing a chance for encouragement and a big part of you feels invisible...

So, we've go to TALK to one another. We've got to LISTEN to one another. We've got to SEEK each other out. We've got to FOLLOW through with those nudges from the spirit that says, "Call so'n'so"... Just obey! Just do it. It's uncomfortable, yes. It's scary, yes... But who cares?! The last time someone said to me, "You know, God put you on my heart and I wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing..." I literally teared up instantaneously! It wasn't someone i knew REALLY well, but the bond that we now have is amazing...

As a mom, I often feel locked into my season of being a mommy! It's hard to switch gears into being a friend, being a wife, being a daughter, being a ..... you name what it is for you... And, honestly, there are days when i WOULD rather give my attention to being in the season of "Friendship" and "ME" than being a "mommy". Here's the season I'm struggling in right now... It's finding JOY and contentment in being a mom to my kids. Ouch, that hurts just saying it. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore my kids... But i'm getting lost in the day to day and not building a firm foundation to grow upon in further years. I'm in a rush throughout my day to get to the next thing. It's like a mental checklist. I've found myself begrudging the little things... and not using those little things to be teachable moments... but rather using them to fuel my frustration and sense of entitlement.

I've been long winded. I've felt a little bit skitzofrenic in my thoughts tonight.. jumping here to there and back... but it's how my crazy brain works! Not to mention It's nearly 11 pm :)

Thanks friends for reading... I'm so excited to just write and i'm ever so encouraged by your posts to let me know I'm not alone.

I still have more season thoughts rattling around... but those will have to wait...

I'll close with this...
Ps: 73:23-26
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever!

AMEN!

now go close your eyes and go back to a time you drempt big... feel free to share comments :)

whispers and giggles

2008-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

One night last week, after the boys were tucked in to bed, I crawled into bed with Carissa to have a few minutes of girl time. She wanted to talk about our Grandma's and Papa's, so we first went through her list.. she'd say something she liked about him/her... then she asked me about my grandparents... I spoke about my mom's mom and dad and then went on to tell her that my Dad's parents have both died. She had a momentary pause and she said, "Well, what DID you like about them..." I went on to share and then she said, "Will their bodies look the same in heaven as they did here?" Quite a mind on her for a 4 year old, don't you think?? :) So we talked about roads and parties and what kind of fun activities we might do in heaven.... and we went on to list our favorite songs.... which then lead to SINGING our favorite songs... After about 20 minutes I finally left the room! She was very pleased and as I said goodnight she said, "This was the best and I wanna do it every night!" to which I said, "This was fun... but I don't know about EVERY night!!!"

So, tonight she asked me again to come "talk about things" as I was tucking her in. I told her I'd be back after helping tuck in the boys. That mission accomplished, I came and crawled onto her twin size bed (which is VERY comfortable mind you!) and snuggled in.

"Lets talk about our best friends. Who is your BEEEESSSTTT friend mommy?"

"Auntie Jani is one of my BEEEESSTTT friends", I said.

"Laura's mine... OH and EmmaDean ...." (which yes, she isn't just EMMA.. she's EMMA DEAN! everytime! Even when we lived with Dean's for 2 weeks... it was "emmadeaannnn....)

She then went on to ask me who else was my best friend... I went on to say Daddy... to which she giggled, put her hands to her face, and said, "Mommy, he's your husband!" (said in almost a whisper!) I said, "Well, yes he is, but he can still be my bestfriend!" The thought seemed almost too hard to contain w/o laughter as she threw her head back and laugh! LOL Makes me wonder if we don't let her see the "friendship" side enuf, of if it's is pure hilarity for her to think a BOY and a GIRL could be bestfriends!?! hmmm..

We were winding down the night as I was praying for her... That her heart would continue to grow in Jesus and that she'd long to follow and obey Him and that she'd make choices that pleased His heart....along with the generic, please give good dreams and no scary/naughty dreams.... Sweet times with my only daughter... I so want to cherish these memories. When we sit alone and "talk about things" as she calls it, she comes up with these amazing thoughts and I wonder how i lose sight of her creativy the other millions of moments we share...

You get what you ask for!

2008-12-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

Man oh man. I wasn't even out of bed this morning before I felt the inner battle starting for the day. I went to bed last night, with a plan for my morning, the alarm would go off, i would hop out of bed, iron Eric's shirt for work (don't worry, this is a rare occurrence so don't think i'm anything to aspire to!), get Noah through the shower and the kids through breakfast, fix Eric's lunch, and do it all while having a heart of JOY. Sounds perfect, huh?

Enter stage.. Carissa at 5:45 am... "I want to get up...when will it be morning... I have to pee... I want a drink... will you tuck me back in... I'm not tired...." I'm knowing my alarm is due to go off in about a half hour and I so want to get the last few precious winks of sleep. I guide her through the routine of potty and drinks and tucking back in and try to not engage in eye contact or verbal conversation as I really am pretending I'm still snug in my warm bed...soon I am back under my covers... ahhh sleep... just a few more minutes....

Enter stage... Noah at 6:24 (by the way, my alarm SHOULD have gone off at 6:20 but low and behold I hadn't actually turned it ON after setting the time... I should have been thanking the Lord for getting me up as I'd planned.......).... He'd had an accident and was drenched... he AND his bed... *big sigh* as my feet hit the floor and i shuffle to the bedroom, still pretending it's night and completely planning to send his behinder back to bed... We go thru the necessary steps to get him back to bed and i walk back to bed... slip under the covers and lay there... Oh, and I forgot to mention Micah followed Noah into our room at 6:24 am. When I asked Noah if he'd woken Micah up on purpose he said, "YES, b/c i was scared!" OH the thoughts that went thru my mind... but i DID manage to hold my tongue. Perhaps and angel was sitting on it.

As i crawled back into bed I mumbled to Eric, "Well, good thing he didn't shower last night because that would have just been a waste." ACK, as soon as I said it i knew it was ugly. It wasn't necessary, it wasn't purposeful and it certainly didn't start my day out living regret free...

Throughout the day, as I've been ever so conscious of my thoughts and words, I've repeatedly had to seek the Lord's face for strength and patience. It seems that Micah has literally lost thousands of brain cells during the night, because surely the behavior he's exhibiting today is just so THOUGHTLESS and done on such impulse. It doesn't hurt for me to remember he IS only 3 years old... :)

I honestly think, that I'm in for a few rough days here at home. I think that there will be all kinds of opportunities for me to slip into old habits, plenty of chances for me to spew words that don't build up or edify... and as I go through my day, my constant prayer is "guard my heart and guard my lips"...

Yearning to live without regret

2008-11-30T20:00:00.000-08:00

So, it's obvious by the date on the 1st post here on my blog that I never went anywhere with this thing. Everyday I see it in my list of favorites and it gently calls me to come write, but for months i squelched that whisper with busy-ness! I just plain decided that I had better things to do. Some days that was true - being a mom requires a lot of time and attention... but lots of other days i just simply pretended I didn't see the link or feel that inner nudge to get crackin' on the keyboard and write something.

For me, writing is a very freeing thing. I often feel like so much creativity is bottled up inside of me and that in my day to day life, it all to often gets smashed down and is nearly unrecognizable under the duties of dishes, diapers, housework, and being a mommy and wife. My imagination loves to run wild and often i feel like i have SO many things going on in my mind, that i can't get any ONE thing down in it's entirety - especially before some need surely needs answering.

My prayer is that I will be more consistent in coming here. I'd like to post and share about what I'm learning, what i'm struggling with, what i'm having victory in, what God's opening my eyes to, etc. I'd love some friends in the journey. I'd love to know i'm not alone in my craziness too!

I think it's a great accountability tool too. For me to come and write. To get my thoughts down and to give me time to process. I think more clearly with my fingers than with my mouth sometimes. And often I can say more pointed and direct and consise thoughts when writing. Not that I won't be long winded. I'll never promise to be short and to the point!

So, off we go on my first THOUGHT for this last day in November! (We won't even talk about how fast this year has flown by!)

I am yearning to live w/o regret! Yearning as in, WANTING and desiring and KNOWING I've not come anywhere near achieveing it! I think, every day I get part way through my day and i just wish i could have a "do-over". You know, rewind back to before you yelled, or before you had the sarcastic remark to your husband, or before you had that negative thought about a family member or friend, or before you realize your husband is walking in the door and your house is a mess and dinner's not started. Yup, those days.

I want to be purposeful. Hmm.. that could be a whole 'nother post... ha! By that, I want to say and do things that have meaning. That hold water. That have lasting affects. I want to love deeper and purer and stronger. I want to see the good in people where my first instinct might be to see their flaws. I want to be hands and feet that carry the hurting and bear up the weight of those who are exhausted. But here's where things start to go haywire in my mind... Honestly, i'm gonna be real, cuz what do I have to lose, really?! Nothing! I am convinced that so many of you have to be like me! Lie to me if you're not! HAHA!

I get so overwhelmed some days with all the GOOD things I want to do, that I sit back and do NOTHING. Yup, i admit it. I "THINK" of countless things to do to reach out, to love on, to encourage and then i get sidetracked by life and I forget. Then satan creeps in with his creepy lil whisper and says, "it's too late now..." or " you blew that chance..." or "you're not really the kind of person you want to be".... and i let opportunities slip by. I can only pray that someone else answers and responds to the gentle whisper and that the needs I COULD have met, will be met by another when i don't follow through in obedience. Forgive me Lord.

On a day to day kind of basis, I live with regrets in my mothering. Oh God, how i want be the mother that you've created me to be. Lately, i've found myself saying things to my children and immediately i cringe. I'll say something to them, and it's instantaneous that the Holy Spirit isn't using exactly what i said to them to convict me of an area of sin in my own life. Interesting how he works that way, huh? You often just wanna eat your own foot after you spew out some sort of sarcastic remark or hasty remark. It's not coincidence and it's not some random thought, i'm convinced it is the Spirit inside of me... God's voice to my heart... urging me to make things right and to turn from my sinful attitude.

One thing I am convinced of, and i KNOW to be true - is this. God is good. And He is faithful. He is ever full of love and compassion and what i NEED to do is being calling on HIS love daily. I can't show my kids true unconditional love, and consistent patient love, until i've recieved it from Christ. I can't shower my kids with grace and mercy until I embrace those things from Him. I hold on to my frustration. I hold on to my flaws. I hold on to the things that i feel lacking from my life and soon i bring pain to HIS heart. I start to look down upon his creation (ME!!) and I start to question his plan, b/c it sure doesn't look like beauty to me... and i'm surely mucking it up royally. And then, ever so quietly.... i hear it..."can't you just stop? can't you just listen? can't you hear me? ............ let it go, daughter... let it go.... you are mine... my delight and joy... let it go... draw near to me... give it to me... i am here... waiting....".

WHY is it so hard to surrender; when once i'm there it feels like the safest place to be? I want to stand in surrender. I want to live in surrender. I want to grow as my heart rests surrendered. Wow, what a concept. A restful heart ... fully in surrender to HIS plan.

Romans 12 hit me yesterday as i was reading. I am reading out of the Message right now. i love the fresh perspective and style as it brings to live passages that I've read for many many years.
I can't even call it ironic either, that, that was the passage I would read. God knew what I needed to hear.... read on for some verses...

Romans 12:1-2 (italics thoughts are mine)
So here's what i want you to do, God helping you: (first off, how often do we here commands in the Bible and then get all freaked out b/c we say to ourselves, there's NO way *I* can do that... why do we forget we've got God in our corner?!) Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering. (Ok, that's convicting! ).......

Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it (Uh, were you reading the above paragraphs where i admitted i don't do this very well!)

Vs. 9 - Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. (i think this is definately where "with God's help" comes in. It isn't easy to love everyone. It's EASY to fake loving someone sometimes, don't you think? Especially if they aren't someone in your life a lot? It's easy to not invest, to make nice, and to PRETEND to love them. Here's where I want the LORD to fill me to overflowing.. so that i can truly see those around me with HIS eyes.. so my heart can be broken I can see them with HIS heart!)

VS. 10 Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times, pray all the harder..... (Love deeply, take chances, be vulnerable, allow others to see your heart, don't allow yourself to be self absorbed, allow others to shine, encourage them to shine, bask in THEIR radiance as they reflect HIS light, stay faithful to the calling of the Lord, see HIM to fill your soul and be your source of JOY. And be ever vigilant to hear his voice, to answer with speed to what the Holy Spirit promts to you do or say.... Hard times will come. Hold fast to the promises that God has given to us... pray and remain in Him... so that He can fill every crevice of my being... after all, the "SAME GOD WHO CONQUERED THE GRAVE LIVES IN ME!" What a powerful TRUE statement. Hillsong has a song out with those words in their lyrics and it is such a beautiful reminder to me....

SO, in that lengthy ramble what sticks out to me most are that i want to live a live w/o regrets and i yearn to be purposeful and listen to the Lord's voice and answer the Holy Spirit's prodding, QUICKLY! After all, what do we teach our kids? "SLOW obediece is .... DISOBEDIENCE". Ouch, huh?

I'd love some feedback. Hit me with your thoughts!

in the words from a friend ....

2008-04-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

i have been working to pray something new...

Bind my heart to your heart
Bind my mind to your mind
Bind my will to your will
Bind my life to your purpose
Loosen in me ......

the desire to please others above you... the nature of being selfish and self centered... seeking out approval and validation from the world... making decisions out of fear...

It's a journey for sure. And I'm no where near the end. God's been working on my heart for the last 5 - 6 months ... Some huge-ish things have been going on in my life and in my heart and some of it is beautifully freeing... some of it is letting go of some denial and allowing my eyes to be opened to some truths that i didn't and still don't want to see... and yet can't ignore. At times I still wanna bury my head in the sand and pretend nothing needs to be dealt with. it hurts. it just plain hurts to think about confrontation or vulnerability...

but God didn't call me to a life of ease and comfort. He didn't die for me, so that I could sit in luxery. He died so we could have communion together... so we could have a relationship.. so we could share that kindred spirit and bask in one another's presence... he died so he could be my comfort and my source of strength and my everything... HE wants to meet my every need.. down to the tiniest detail... and he longs that i trust him with the things that hurt... and he hopes that i'll fall into his arms when life starts to go haywire.... i fail. so miserably some days... i hopelessly fail and leave him waiting.... waiting... and waiting for his beloved to come running to him.... but eventually i do... and when i come.. he's waiting, arms open, head tipped, eyes soft and inviting, his mouth turned in a small smile, and his embrace is SO warm... and then once again i am home... he holds me, speaks softly to my soul, reassures me of his love, reminds me of his faithfulness and invites me to dig deeper into knowing his heart...

will you join me as i continue to dig into my Jesus? as i really hunker down and go for broke? i wanna love him with all of me - giving him every fear, desire, joy, sorrow, and feeling of loss... all of me... the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful....

how are you doin with Jesus? do you know him? do you know the love i'm talking about when i write that he's got soft eyes and inviting arms... do you see him that way?

"It's Your Life" Lyrics
by Francesca Battistelli \| from the album My Paper Heart